I was inspired by a blog post from one of my best friends last week. She was raw and real and basically called b.s. on pretending that things are perfect. She was totally right.
Life is hard and messy, and if we can't be honest with ourselves about our struggles, there's no way we can be honest in our relationships and what we need from them. It starts as an internal issue, but it effects those around us too. When I am frustrated with work or have had a bad day, it's super hard for me to come home and want to be a cheerful wife who makes dinner from scratch. I almost never separate my emotions like that. What happens instead is I make a box of macaroni and avoid conversation. This is less than great for my marriage. If I really am honest, I don't like what I'm doing and don't feel fulfilled by it at all. The thought of working in research for the rest of my life felt like a death sentence, so I escaped. While I see the value in completing a master's degree, I still don't love where I am and feel frustrated by that. And then there's the thought of what I will do after May, and while it's freeing, it's also very frightening. What I am craving is busyness, because I can only do everything at once or nothing at all. I'm terrible at balance, and am either going too fast or not at all. What I really need is to learn what a happy medium looks like, but wouldn't it just be easier to be busy instead?
That's my b.s. right there. I'm far from perfect. Grad school is hard, growing up is hard, and being married is hard. Sometimes I think that I can only do one of those things well. And here I am, with all of these goals for 2013 and a job that ends in a few months and a desire to just go anywhere. I'm a mess of human emotion, but I'm also full of hope. Because if the Bible has taught me anything it's that God uses messy people. He doesn't promise to make them pretty and shiny all at once, instead he uses them as they are to share his love and grace with other messy people. That's pretty beautiful right there, and that hope is what keeps me from unraveling, that reminds me that I don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. I think being a ragamuffin is pretty great. So get real, and won't you join me?
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