One Day I'll Get There
Yesterday the only thing I wanted to do was make it to church. And I woke up with a half hour to get ready. And I hadn't showered in two days. And the kids were all in their pajamas. And Steve was still asleep. And I was still tired. *Sigh*
I got up and took a shower anyway, and contemplated going late by myself, or going through the exhausting process of trying to get three kids ready for church. And I decided, *big sigh* that I didn't have it in me. Then the guilt set in. You know. I don't do anything at all all day. I should be able to manage to get up and get ready for church by 9 am. I should be getting the kids to church. I've totally been slacking lately and I'm starting to feel it.
I don't know if you know that feeling - the one when you haven't been to church for a while. It's like it gets easier not to go. And you have that hardness in your heart set in. You are a little more cynical, a little less sensitive. It's easier to complain and harder to find joy. This is how it is for me. I definitely feel the spiritual void. So I need to get back.
Steve's only day off is Sunday. He wanted to do something with the kids. By then, I had resigned that I was a loser for missing church and didn't feel like doing anything else. I went back to bed while he got the kids ready and took them for a drive. He asked me to come - but I really didn't want to go. I just wanted to go back to sleep. And I did.
I hate being such a downer, but sometimes I can't manage doing anything at all. It's like, I have a plan, and when the plan falls through, nothing else will do. For some reason, right now, I have a very hard time being spontaneous. Especially when it is someone else's idea. I have to mull it over and think about it. I have to prep myself to be ready to even think about doing something that wasn't my idea, especially if it is something that might make me uncomfortable.
Steve's friends invited us over last night for dinner. They are really nice people, but there were going to be a lot of people there I didn't know. And I just can't do that right now. I told Steve to go without me. I feel bad, because I like spending time with my husband. And I want him to do the things he likes. I just can't do social things right now. I'm still figuring out how to come out of this depression, and social anxiety doesn't help.
One of the reasons it makes me feel really bad is because I know that Steve's ex-wife never went to things with him. I worry that I've become such a downer and that I remind him of those experiences in his past.
This morning, we woke up and Steve asked if I wanted to go to a movie with the kids. Inside, I thought, Nope. Not even a little tiny bit do I want to take our three kids to a movie. But I know how much he loves going to movies. And I know that I have basically turned him down every time he asks me if I want to do something. So I sucked it up and said I'd go.
And guess what? It was fun. The kids were all very well behaved, and they all actually watched the movie. Sure, Will got restless and wandered back and forth between us begging popcorn and Emma and James slurped their slushies a little too loud, but it was good. It was nice to get out, and it was nice to have done an activity as a family. That made me happy.
One of these days I'm going to get to a point where I can push myself every day. I'll get there. I know it.
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