OMG, IUI, HCG, WTH: The Things They Don't Tell You About Insemination

5 years ago


Look at what you get to learn about when you mention the word fertility. You don’t learn these terms unless you’re older, have had a miscarriage, or are actively trying to get pregnant and it doesn’t work.

I was not worried about getting pregnant. We were pregnant already. Then we miscarried twins and started hearing things like, “Well, at your age… you should really… call my doctor… blah blah.”

I said no to Clomid (the drug to make you ovulate) because I was ovulating and drugs freak me out. Although those pain meds when I broke my leg were fun; I’ll admit it. I didn’t feel clomid was necessary and I did not want to go through hardcore doctor visits and dive into the fertility world. I believe it will work when it’s meant to work.

After we got married, I went for a check-up and our doctor suggested we at least try an IUI to move things along -- my age and all. Puke. Vomit. Scream. Fine. But no Clomid. She said she could do it without the drug, all my blood work was healthy and why not just try to ya know… move things along.

Why do I have to hurry things along? Oh, right, I’m old. Bullshit. Fine. I’ll do it.


IUI stands for Intrauterine insemination. I see two Is but where’s the U? Oh, Intra-Uterine… Okay, I hate everyone. This whole process makes no sense; it’s perfect that even the acronyms are confusing. There’s another one I just learned too: ART -- assisted reproductive technology procedure (wouldn’t that be ARTP?). But IUI is not listed as ART since it does not involve the manipulation of eggs. IUF is ART; that’s a whole other post.


You think that is confusing or annoying? Try having any of this done and dealing with the front desk, making appointments and following the instructions that are NOT provided in a clear, concise manner. I mean really, where is the laminated step-by-step sheet, people?


What the hell is an IUI?

IUI is the process of your doctor or nurse taking the sperm, spinning it in a fancy machine to “clean” it. Eww. Then shooting it up in a thin tube past your cervix (NO ONE tells you that hurts) to get the sperm up in your uterus, as close to the fallopian tube that has the egg in it.

Oh, by the way like I said in my 21 Reasons Why I Hate Everyone, there is no place for your mate to provide the sperm easily in the office, or down the hall or in the bathroom. No. He has to drive with it in a cup under his armpit and get it to the hospital within an hour. No pressure.

They do an ultrasound a few days before to see if you have a follicle, aka future egg (nothing is simple in this process and NOTHING is easily explained). They look to see which tube your future egg is in. Having follicles is the problem and why they put women on Clomid so often, because it helps create follicles -- aka little future babies waiting in the tubes.

I did not take Clomid and there was a future egg anyway, waiting. See. The doctor was happy and said go home and come back in 36 hours after we do the shot. Yes, there’s a shot. You have to take that annoying HCG shot -- at home! The shot gives you a surge of "release the egg" stuff it and ovulation begins.

After the awful debacle about getting the shot in hand -- not all pharmacies carry it so it’s a mail-in and takes 5-10 days. Ah... the appointment is in one day. WTF. Who told us about mail-order-shots? NO ONE.

Luckily the pharmacist in the hospital hooked us up with the shot with a long eye-roll about how insane the health care system is and how it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Don’t let Obama Care fool you he said, it will be Oh-Bummer Care. Interesting. At this point I’m starting to believe that. Gimme that shot.

Credit: Belly injection shot via Shutterstock.

HCG SHOT – at Home!

Yes, we had to do that at home. Why the doc doesn’t do it in the office is beyond me. I also ask myself again why my husband has to carry his baby sauce in a cup under his arm. Note to self -- don’t ask so much.

There are printed instructions about how to give yourself the shot though. Great, thanks! It has to go in your stomach. My husband shot me up. Then we waited for our appointment which was actually 38 hours after the shot. I read everywhere online it was supposed to be 36 hours, but it was 38. The doc said it was fine. I don’t believe her. It’s her fault.

Before we drove down to the appointment -- an hour away -- we needed the stuff in a cup. I helped. My mom was staying with us -- not awkward at all. So we snuck away like teenagers to ya know, get the stuff out -- and into a cup! Jesus.


OMG I can just imagine the search engines having fun with my new blog. Ugh.

We get to the office with our cup -- 38 hours after the shot -- and the doc rushes the cup into a room. We follow and watch as she puts it into a big spinner machine and microscope. We both got to look at them -- up close. WOW, are they fast and busy.

I was surprised. With how my husband likes his whiskey, I thought they’d be drunk. Okay, I also secretly wanted to blame him for how long this knock up was taking. But his little fellas were very much alive and kicking and fast. The doc was happy.


There I am, legs up, facing the doc with my husband beside me. I was of course making jokes about how awkward it was that she was going to get me pregnant with her little tube thingy.

Then the process began.

What they don’t tell you or at least don’t explain very well is that putting that tube up past your cervix and rooting around to find a good spot to shoot your mate’s stuff HURTS.

I have a high tolerance for pain. I should tell ya about my childhood. But really, that is no fun. I kept thinking it was nothing like birthing a child so shut up Shelton. But really, not fun, not fun at all.

We drove home, happy and nervous about possibly getting knocked up via tube.

Did pregnancy happen? No. The other P word did though. Period.

Fuck everyone.


Angela - wanna-be mommy blogger

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