I haven't had a lot of motivation, and have been feeling a little discouraged. Not really depressed, but just low.
I'm trying to get used to the CPAP machine. The second night I slept really well, but last night the mask thing kept leaking whenever I would just barely fall asleep, so it kept waking me up. I'm trying to figure out how to find just the right position to sleep in.
I haven't been walking for the last few days. I really need to get back on that. I know it really helps everything when I do walk.
Dr. J and I have been talking about putting together a little photo book for Will to look at. It will show pictures from before he was born, his birth, and pictures of our house in Salt Lake, with the dogs, pictures of us, pictures of Joe and Jess's family and house and pictures of where we are now with my mom and dad.
I have been thinking about putting this together for a while now. Today I sat down on the computer and started looking for pictures. I generally love looking at old pictures. It was really fun to see how little James and Will and Em used to be. I was totally shocked to see how little James really was when Will was born. There are some videos from that time, and James was only saying one word phrases at the time. That completely blew my mind. He was really just a baby when Will came.
The thing that kind of blew me away, though, was that I found some videos of Will as an infant. It made me really sad. Sad and anxious. I hardly remember him as an infant. And I don't remember him smiling and cooing at all. This video I found shows him smiling and cooing and wiggling around. He's just so innocent and pure. It breaks my heart that everything was falling apart at this time in his life. There is a lot of guilt there, too. Guilt that I couldn't take care of him the way he needed to be taken care of. Guilt that our family didn't continue on in the way it "should" have.
I am very grateful for where I am now, don't get me wrong. I know we are in a great place, and that Will is doing great, and that he has been loved throughout this entire journey.
I guess I'm just stuck with the what ifs. What if I had been a better mommy? Things would be so much different right now.
I know it's not my fault. But it kind of feels like it sometimes. I know I couldn't control it. But I feel like I should have been able to. Even though I couldn't.
It's a tough thing to come to terms with.
My hope is that one day, I will be able to see things like this without feeling regret, without feeling sadness, without feeling guilt. I hope that one day the only emotions will be love and joy.
I hope I will get there. I know it is a possibility, because I feel love and joy when I am with Will now. I don't feel regret or guilt when I am playing with him or cuddling with him or just looking at him.
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