This year my 4th graders got lockers.
If you have kids who don’t have lockers yet, you know this is a really big deal.
Thanks to Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, my kids have spent hundreds (thousands?) of hours watching good-looking teens and their fascinating lives unfold against a backdrop of these mysterious, stacked metal cubicles. They’re not just ‘lockers,’ they’re totems of maturity. A sign that your fascinating life is about to begin!
Livi was so excited. “I can’t wait to decorate it!”
“You mean pick out a combination lock? Sure! You can have any color you want. Would you like green? I know you love green.”
“No. Decorate it! With wallpaper, and a lamp, and a carpet…”
“WTF? Excuse me? We’re talking about your locker, right?”
Welcome to "Better Schools and Lockers."
Forget the whiteboard and matching magnets. Kids are pimping out their lockers (I smell a TLC show, "Pimp My Locker!") and there’s a whole new generation of décor available; chandeliers, shag rugs and matching vanity sets that transform your locker from a dumping ground for heavy books and old lunches into a “Hallway Haven.”
It's insane. Some of these lockers could grace the pages of Elle Decor.
I mean, is this really necessary? Wallpaper? Lighting fixtures? And this stuff ain’t cheap. The chandelier was $25. Sure it lit up, but unless I can find tiny Barbie sized chandelier bulbs at Target I’m pretty sure once that sucker goes out it’ll cost me another fortune.
My friends and I imagine how we'd outfit our lockers. One friend suggested a miniature DJ booth in hers and a disco ball so that every time your locker door opens, it's like a party in there; I think mine might be more like a spa outfitted in teak wood and smelling of eucalyptus. You lift the finger latch and are caressed with the sounds of ocean waves, chirping birds and wood instruments; Kind of like at the gym...but without the old sneaker smell.
I'm okay with a little self-expression, but I can't help wondering what's next (and how much it's going to cost me); battery powered mini-fridges; tiny minibars, little velvet ropes to put around your math book? How much decorated personal space does a kid need?
On second thought, maybe if I buy her that shag carpet she so desperately wants, she'll stop nagging me about getting her own room.
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