So, where did I leave off...Right, I had just been told by a doctor, I did not really know, that my condition, Endometriosis, had gotten very out of control. And that my husband, of four months, and I should start trying for kids right away. Can you say terrifying!
This is a huge decision in a persons life. Even though we had been together for 6 years at this point, we had only been living together alone for about 8 months. We were still getting to know each other in that sense. Likes and dislikes around the house, how to handle the fact that he is a morning person, I'm a night owl. Heck, I was still learning how he liked his eggs!
We quickly had to come to a decision and did. We wanted children. Period. So we started trying. This was terrifying! LOL, it shouldn't have been but we were both afraid it would work, or that it wouldn't...and that is what happened.
It didn't. Usually a doctor makes you wait at least 6 months of solid trying before even seeing you for something like this. Not when you are a ticking time bomb. My doctor saw us within 3 months and then we were told those horrifying words, "You need surgery to even have a chance." Okay we both decided whatever it took, we wanted kids. So, I had the surgery. It sucked, as most surgeries do I suppose. Then after about 2 months of recovery I was still having horrible pain. Okay, time to see the specialist. Thankfully this was someone my doctor knew very well. I could tell we were in good hands.
Now, what you never think of is the emotional toll that come along with something like this. We pretty much kept it together when we were busy figuring out next steps and learning information, but those times when it was quiet and you are alone with your thoughts are terrible. I felt like I was not only letting myself down but my husband, my family, everyone. I kept worrying that he would leave me. I kept thinking I am broken, how could someone love a broken person. What if every test came back and said there is nothing they can do? How could I handle that?
After a battery of tests we were told that EVERYTHING had come back with a vengeance, in 2 months! I felt like god was taking something out on me. His suggestion, more surgery, to even get started. So, with my husbands support, and a second opinion, I had more surgery. This time did not hurt as bad and based on everything they were telling me we needed to hit the ground running. Time was of the essence. Within 5 weeks we were starting IVF. No trying the lesser treatments first, IVF all the way. We were told there was little, to no chance, of getting pregnant without help.
So we started the IVF process and it is a process. Honestly, we were pretty excited to start the meds, but if you want to put a marriage through its paces, get hormone injections. My husband was amazing, there is no other word for it. Between the meds, the needles, the mood swings and pain it was a lot but I just kept thinking it will be worth it! I know that sounds strange but we thought, this is gonna work. No other option and if it doesn't we will just try again. We thought IVF would bring us the baby which at this point we both ached for. It was all I could think about, it consumed most of my time. If it wasn't the meds schedule, it was what I was eating or a website or support forum I found online. Every move and action I made was toward trying to get our baby.
On the third day of stimulation (if anyone is interested let me know and I can tell you the exact process for IVF meds) we went to the doctor and were told things didn't look that great. For some reason I was not responding well. You are supposed to have 8-15 eggs and I had 3. It was not a good sign. Then on the seventh day, two days before egg retrieval, we went again and this time there were only 2. The doctor called us at home later that day. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were both sitting on our bed and the speaker phone was on. He told us that my body was not responding at all. He said we had to scrap this whole month, stop taking the meds, there would be no retrieval. I was numb. He then told me that my body was acting like I was 40+ years old and this was a major problem. Then he said, we might have to start looking into other options. I couldn't speak but I remember thinking...
Wait, what, I thought IVF was the last stop in the road! Wait don't hang up! Tell me what to do! No, no, no!!!
I had never been so absolutely devastated. I cried myself to sleep, I couldn't eat. I just remember thinking that was it. I guess I wasn't meant to be a mommy. The next morning my husband woke me before sunrise, we went to the beach and just stood there and watched the waves and sunrise. I cried and cried. He kept telling me we will figure something out. I told him I needed to move on for a while. I could see he was devastated and worried. This had been our whole world for about 9 months. We had barely been married one year, and what a year it had been.
The Perfectionist Mom
In the third installment, what our next steps were and the joy that came from moving on.
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