My life is currently in flux. I am a middle-aged woman living in the 3 bedroom house that my ex and I built together but with only myself and my dogs living there now. Well, there is the family of 4 that are temporarily living with me while their house is being built but once they are gone I will be on my own again.
It is too much house. It has too many memories. Most are good but they are still tied to a past that no longer resembles what my life is now or who I am now. My children by birth are out on their own and doing really well. My step-kids have nothing to do with me anymore and my ex has replaced me with a younger, supposedly improved model. So here I am alone in a big house that I and my life have outgrown.
I have changed it on the inside. New flooring, furniture, fixtures, paint, etc, etc. But it is still the house I raised my children in, the house my ex and I were in love in and fell out of love in. The livingroom is different but I still feel the memories on birthdays, holidays and just randomly now and again.
But my friends are here too. My friends and neighbors who swooped in when my world came crashing down. When nothing made sense. When I realized that my whole life and what I thought it was never really existed and that even the semblance of reality that was, was no longer. They were there when my house emptied of all of the people who mattered to me. They were there when the truth of what actually was going on began to trickle out. They were there for the anger, the tears and the great big fears that gripped me at that time. They live here. Or at least they did.
Even their lives are changing. Their kids are growing and will be leaving too and now they are moving. We will no longer be the close-knit group of neighbors we once were. There will no longer be the greetings in the summer months before you even get from your car into the house. No more sitting on the front steps, talking, sharing and laughing. They will all be in other neighborhoods.
So I think it is now my turn to move. I thought it was about 3 years ago but I was too afraid. I am still afraid but I need to push through it this time. I am afraid that my finances being what they are will not get me into anything as nice as what I have. Afterall I need to get off of this debt-wheel I placed myself on trying to hold on to the last remnants of a life that hasn't existed in over 4 years. I am cash poor here and I need to change that. But the move still scares me.
Do I move to a city that is much closer to my job? Saving me the time and the gas costs to get me to it? Do I move within the city that I have lived now for so many years? I am leaning towards the former because there is nothing in this town for me now. My friends are here and that is a big plus but I can't afford to live in the neighborhoods they live in and I know in my heart we will be friends forever no matter what. It won't be as easy to hang out as it is now but I won't lose them as friends.
So I lean towards uprooting myself and starting over completely once again. Am I scared? Hell yes. I don't even know how I will do it. I am cash-poor mostly because I live in a house that was carried by two incomes but now I only have mine. I will be better off downsizing and living closer to my job for sure but nobody tells you how to do it when you have no extra cash.
Where do I get the money to make an offer on a new house when I find one?
Where do I get the money to pay for the move?
Nobody tells you how do do that. This is what I will need to sort out somehow. I have until August 23, 2012 which is when the friends currently staying with me move into their new house. I need to be ready by then. I really hope that I am.
Back at ya!
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