My son's teacher pulled me to the side during pick up the other day. She had a very serious face on and I knew something was wrong. What did my five-year old do? He pushed? He spit? He picked a boogie and flung it at a girl? I looked at her face again and realized that she had the scrunched up brow of woman who heard an unsavory word. Oh boy! My mind scrambled, thinking of every word I've ever said in front of my son that was followed by a quick, "Never repeat that!" The list was extensive.
"Max said something today and got in trouble. He did not receive a stamp." The children receive stamps when they have a great day, and whatever this word was took away that great day. I looked down at my son and he quickly avoided all eye contact. Sh**, what did he say? I waited, my heart pounding, knowing that whatever he said was a reflection on me. Put a stamp on my forehead: "BAD MOTHER."
I quietly asked, "What did he say?," all the while my son was slowly melting into a puddle on the floor in his attempt to become invisible.
"Fart." A long pause.
"What did he say?" I asked again.
Another long pause. "Fart."
BAHAHAAAHAHHHAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHHAAA (I cackled with laughter, but kept it all inside my head.) How can two grown adults be having such a serious conversation about the word fart? But there we were! With a stern face I looked down at my son, "He will not be saying that word again." My son looked at his teacher with pleading eyes and apologized. We soon headed home.
"Max, why did you say the word fart?"
"Because I farted."
"Who did you say it to?
"To my friends, Mom."
I couldn't help but ask, "Did they laugh?"
Oh, boo! How could five-year-olds not laugh at farting? That is comedy gold! Clearly, they need to be exposed to a few more words like that! Farty Farty McFarty Fart Pants! I'm chuckling just rereading that! Perhaps I am not like the other parents. I am ok with a little bathroom talk and I believe it relieves a lot of stress and tension. At least it does with me!
"Max, do not say those words at school. Just wait until you get home." Gasp! Did I just say that? That my son can shout FART from the rooftops when he was in his house. Do not get me wrong. He cannot talk about farting all the time, but sometimes is just fine with me. Did I put my BAD MOTHER stamp away too soon?
Here is my list of shame -- all of the things I allow my son to do:
1. My son can say butt. I loath tush, hiney, bottom, etc. It is a butt.
2. My son can joke about butts sometimes. Every now and again I think it is okay to joke. Get it out of your system so, hopefully, his teachers will not be having conversations with me every day.
3. My son plays with toy guns (and no, he isn't violent; actually, he is quite gentle). I do not think if he has a toy gun he will become a murderer. Our family values are a little bit stronger than the allure of a toy weapon.
4. I watch Spongebob Squarepants with him and I think I laugh just as hard as he does. It is completely silly and I'm not ashamed to admit that I like silly.
5. Once a week I let him stay up super-duper late! Do not worry! It isn't a school night!
6. I've taken part in a burping contest with him. I'm happy to announce: I won!
7. I will let him play in the park and roll down the hill without fear of pants with grass stains and holes.
8. I've let him play with play dough in every room of the house (except the bathroom).
9. Sometimes I tell him he does not have to clean his room! Even if he is buried under a pile of toys!
10. Once a month I make sure to give him dessert BEFORE dinner.
What would be on your list of shame?
Oh and if you do not like my list of shame, well pee pee poo poo on you you!
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