Motherhood: A Gateway to Drunktown

9 years ago


A mommy friend recently told me on the playground at preschool: "Motherhood leads to alcoholism. I never used to drink like this."
Three of us had confessed that we thought of ourselves as weekend and social drinkers, but we had had a drink (or two) every night of the week (this was then followed by more drinking over Labor Day weekend). I don't think it's that untypical for women to have a couple glasses of wine with dinner every night, but I guess it was our seemingly dire need for it.
"After a day it just sounds so good," H said.
"And it makes it seem like your child is behaving better," I said. "You're charmed versus pissed." 
"It's sort of like an award at the end of the day," L said. " Like, good job. You can relax now."

We continued our conversation that Sunday night over margaritas and tequila shots. (I drank wine. I only drink wine. Doesn't make me a better person. I'm just neurotic about sugar and citrus makes me sweat.) 
Our kids were racing around until 10 and we were all like, "Fuck it. Aghhg. Cheers. Agghhh. Man Pie. What the hell is man pie? Oooh, I love this song. What is this? Sir Mix-Alot? Aghhg. Oh my god, that picture. Your boobs look huge! Where are our husbands? Who cares! Screw the husbands! Or wait, don't screw them! Hahaha." It was practically Dionysian, like some mother binge. D was slurring and swerving in place. She tried to sober up, but we found out she had just switched to watered-down tequila. You go, sister.
At school on Tuesday we all vowed not to drink until Friday, an easy task for all but H who came to school today and said she needed a helmut, 'cause she fell off the wagon.
No judgement. I think as a mom, you could basically be a pill-popping shop-lifter and I wouldn't pass judgement. Well, maybe. 

But what's great about this binge is the relief everyone felt that we could be open about everything-- thinking you have to uphold this Mother-of-the-Year image is tragic and sad, lonely. Besides, you don't want to mislead people into thinking you're a card-carrying member of the nerd herd. Moms love talking about it; it's a release in itself to admit we need something. Notice how moms get so giddy while discussing alcohol? There can be lengthy discussions about our passion for it, with a thesis, body, citations, examples, conclusions. And there's the blogs, Mom who Drinks and Cusses and Mommy Wants Vodka. It's not that they just write about drinking, but the titles of their blogs are keys to the content. This mom will be real. She is human I drink, therefore I am. Talking about it is a way moms bond. 
I could never see men talking about it this way becasue it's standard that a man needs a beer at the end of the day. It's American. It's deserved. Beer ads...
only target men, and their messages are: You're strong, you have a big truck, girls in bikinis like to randomly rub up against you, and your wife looks at you like you don't have bad table manners or butt acne.
I love those Bud Light radio commercials--real men of genius. They need some for women. We're funny. Make fun of us. Then maybe we'd all be able to make fun of ourselves a bit more.

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