I'm going to tell you one of the secrets of motherhood. You will never feel more beautiful in your life (and simultaneously unbeautiful, but I'll save that for another post). It's morning. I have just rolled out of bed at the sound of the boys stirring. I head down the hall and go in to wake up L for the day. As soon as he sees me his face lights up and he jumps up and climbs over his bed towards me. "Good morning Mommy!" he proclaims excitedly. He then wraps his little arms around me and rubs his cheek against my cheek as if I have the softest, most buttery skin he has ever felt. He smiles at me and then gives me a big kiss, morning breath and all. No complaints. Standing here in my pyjamas, with greasy unbrushed hair, not a speck of makeup on my face, and I feel pretty. "Let's go downstairs Mommy".
Next up is G, and the routine is much the same. I open the door and it's as if he's seeing me for the first time. "Mommy!", he reaches his little arms up to me, and I lift him out of his bed. He wraps his arms and legs tightly around my body and squeezes as though he never wants to let go. I almost wish he wouldn't. I refer to this feeling as the Mommy filter. It would be a wildly popular filter on Instagram because it erases all flaws and makes me beautiful in their eyes, no matter what state of mommy messiness I am currently in. My boys literally think that I am the best person to ever have walked this earth. It's an amazing feeling, and I wonder how long it will last? How long will my face be enough to light up their day? How long will my voice be their favourite sound? When will L stop looking at me the way his father did when we were first in love, with that mixture of awe and adoration. When will my homecoming stop being such a momentous occasion in their day? What will I do when it all stops? Is there a support group for that? Because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle when they really see me, with all my flaws and imperfections. For now I'm just going to enjoy this real life filter....doesn't my skin look great?
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