Maximizing Every (Toilet) Moment

8 years ago

pull down my pants and begin the squat for the toilet in one fluid
motion. As the pee starts flowing, I turn to the right and
automatically notice that I only have one square of toilet paper left.
In a movement that seems to come instinctively to those born with two X
chromosomes, I pull off the remaining swathe of toilet paper and as if
choreographed, put on the replacement roll of toilet paper, neatly
waiting for its turn from under the sink.

I’m wiping and within
seconds, I’m standing and flushing and buttoning my pants. This is also
done in a fluid motion – the ballet of taking a piss. (I tried to say
this in a more feminine way but apparently failed.)

I realized I was not in a hurry – but nonetheless, somehow I found an opportunity to multi-task.

The double-Xers -- we multi-task.

by biology, mandated by life, and the cornerstone to parenting: the
woman’s ability to multitask is essential to the survival of our
species. We need to do it all – and must find pockets of time. Taking a
piss is no exception.

This realization dominoed
into the revelation that perhaps men do not change the toilet paper
roll not because they’re lazy – but simply because they focus
exclusively on the task at hand. (And we’re thankful for the
tunnel-vision problem solvers in the world.)

I thought about the
men in my life – the 30-something and the 7-year-old. Both genetically
engineered as hunter/gatherers. When they are releasing themselves,
neither one of them put themselves on restocking duty – they focus on
the task at hand.

I’ve witnessed a routine that usually follows this protocol:

Light on (optional), seat up, unzip, pull it out, let it flow, tuck it back in, zip it up. Seat down. (rarely).

don’t stand around looking for another task with which to occupy their
time while they’re excreting. Eyes focus straight or down, hands at 6

I guess that’s why they created bathroom graffiti …

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