March and Spring

8 years ago

For those of you who read my blog, you have already heard the news. I can't help but appreciate the beauty of the symbolism... As winter ends (and it has been a rough one) and we head into spring, I get to marvel in the tentative beginnings of potential life. Of course, it's still new and fragile. It may not last, but for now I am content, scared but happy.

This pregnancy is very different from my first two. When I was pregnant with Peanut I didn't even know at this stage. When I was pregnant for the second time, I was on cloud nine... but that's a pretty big fall. This time the happiness is just as real, but the fear is beyond what I expected. I keep it in check for the most part, but it creeps up on me every once in a while. It catches me by surprise when I least expect it. Every early pregnancy ache and twinge calls it forth. I have learned to acknowledge it and put it in it's place, but that task alone is exhausting. And let's be honest, I'm tired anyway (and today, for the first time, nauseus).

With each day that goes by and each pregnancy symptom I feel, I am encouraged, hopeful. But then the fear comes back and I have to temper my elation with the harsh fact that every pregnancy does not end successfully. I know now what I didn't know then.

And now, with gleams of half-extinguished thought,
With many recognitions dim and faint, 60
And somewhat of a sad perplexity,
The picture of the mind revives again:
While here I stand, not only with the sense
Of present pleasure, but with pleasing thoughts
That in this moment there is life and food 65
For future years. And so I dare to hope
Though changed, no doubt, from what I was...
...I cannot paint
What then I was.
... That time is past,
And all its aching joys are now no more, 85
And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this
Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur; other gifts
Have followed, for such loss, I would believe,
Abundant recompense. For I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour 90
Of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity,
Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power
To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy 95
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean and the living air,
And the blue sky...
        William Wordsworth, from: Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey

Time and experience have a profound affect on the mind, on the heart. I wasn't a mother the first time. I hadn't dealt with loss the second time. The present, this pregnancy, this experience has its own strange beauty that is entirely different from each one before. I feel many of the same things, yet I feel them differently.

This morning my daughter was fascinated by the ground peeking out from the patchy left over snow. She will watch the winter turn into spring, she will see the world come alive again and I hope that one day she will marvel at the beauty and resiliency of it all.

Reposted from: Michelle's Blog

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