It's been one of those weeks, you know? A week full of loooong paradoxical days in which you feel kind of lonely yet yearn for a few precious uninterrupted hours alone. I'm learning that this is motherhood. When I was pregnant, I used to have these images of just bringing a baby along for our normal lives. Hanging out with friends [+ baby]. Walking downtown [+ baby]. Eating dinner [+ baby]. It was our lives... but we had a baby. But really, it's like he has us, we're along for his ride, and when I was pregnant I never really stopped to realize that for every single thing I did every second of the day, I would have to take him into account. All the once normal activities of my life (doing yoga, writing, spending time with friends) are now precious, precious withdrawals from the limited number of minutes in the day that I can now call my own. And yet, I have never in all my life encountered any other endeavor which has so effortlessly compelled me to sacrifice so much of myself-- so fully and completely-- overnight. If there is anything I can say with complete confidence that I would not do for him, I have yet to encounter it. And nothing puts me more immediately at ease than to hear him laugh. And nothing simultaneously melts my heart and blows my mind more than looking into his eyes and seeing myself and my husband and God all at once. So, I am finding ways to adapt and settle into the new normal I am forming for myself and the words of these ladies have sure helped a whole lot.
"But you’re happier now, right? She continued. Nope. Nope, not happier. I was happy when Scott and I went to Japan every ten minutes. I’m exaggerating for effect here- I’m sometimes happier. I’m also more worried, stressed, exhausted, annoyed, et al. But I am certainly better. I am less selfish. I am stronger. And the world breaks open for me in surprising and transformative
"What I’m saying is that it seems to me that every woman who becomes a mother, no matter how much she loves her kid or wants to be a mom, will most likely, at some point, mourn the loss of her previous identity. And it will hurt."
"No, the reason I enjoy mothering on the day-to-day grind is mainly because I do this stuff. And it helps me. I call them Practices because that’s what us Jesus-people like to call spiritual disciplines but really they’re just things I do over and over again, kneading them like yeast into my life."
"I loved the happy moments, but I felt like I’d lost control over my life. I had things I needed to get done, and my cranky baby was constantly getting in the way. My temper would flare whenever my plans for the day were thwarted by my baby, which was pretty much all the time. The turning point came when I realized that was no way to view my baby–as an obstacle to my Real Life. Mothering was now my real life."
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