You can use the state of my closet as an indicator to know my current mental status. My closet told me today I was bat-$hit crazy.
I have decided if I clean out my closet I will be able to carry on with my Christmas decorating and baking. If, when I am finished, I do not feel dramatically better I will move onto holiday “spirits.”
Y’all might be getting rum cakes delivered this year instead of “Abbie’s Worth-Buying-New-Pants Cookie Assortment.”
If eating all of the sweets I make doesn’t work I may need someone to come over and give me an official “nuts” diagnosis, (surely the treatment is a housekeeper and laundress.)
In the meantime, I haven’t been posting because, honestly, I’m not feeling very worthy of anyone reading.
The good news is I am hopeful once I can see all my shoes again and I don’t have to drive around barefoot anymore I am certain my funky mood will change.
I have to laugh at what my sister in Michigan said to me today after I told her I felt “unlovable” and “destined to be alone and “without even the love of my children.”. I know, that is really pathetic sounding, but I am very self aware and I am suffering from a variety of “mental boo-boo lip” so be patient with me and be even more patient with my punctuation and run on sentences.
“We’ll you might be unlovable but you’re the most likable person I know and I know a lot of people I wish I liked more.”
-My Wise Sister
Can you tell we were raised by the same people?
Then I thought I would just shut down my blog.
Then I thought…I will wait. I will see what unfolds.
I feel like my blog has helped me “unfold” in some ways.
Some good ways and some bad. Some selfish and some very sincere time I have spent throwing our lives out into the world. Some days,like today, I feel like if I evaporated all that would be left would be my words.
All that my kids would know is what I put here. Isn’t that why I started this thing? I realized I was in a funk because I realized I had outlived my mother.
I started my blog.
Most people I know don’t know me beyond my adult life. That’s is why I named my blog, “All that makes you smile, laugh, think, love and cry.” I knew I was all of those things, just like everyone else.
I wanted my kids to see I was all of those things. My kids wouldn’t know who I was if something happened to me. They wouldn’t really know how much I loved them.
Then I met really nice people.
So, my really nice friends, I feel like I owe an explanation as to my sporadic postings the last little while, or longer. I am working on some things and trying not to worry. Nothing gets accomplished worrying.
I share this with the same intentions I had when starting my blog. Not everyone agrees with posting things this personal, I wouldn’t have thought it wise a year ago. Now I can say that this is me. It is nearly everyone. I am not alone and neither is the person reading this thinking that they are tired of everyone else being happy and they aren’t.
So my dear boys, if you ever do decide to read this please know I am human. Parents of teenagers are not given classes how to speak your language. Parents can love each other very much but not be able to be on the same page with parenting. I wish I could remember how to do algebra and at one time I would have never considered myself stupid. I am not even close to being the parent I thought I would be. When you are a parent one day and you feel the same way please know its ok.
I am holding out that all that matters is that my boys know how much I love them and that is really all that is important. Worrying I am worthy of being loved sometimes smothers out the importance of knowing I am liked. I have to get back to wrestling my closet. It’s in a total mood. Sincerely, Abbie
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