When I wrote about this
last week it made me feel better. I needed to get that out and I felt a lot lighter after writing that. But for some reason this last week or two I've been bombarded with things that are bringing up painful memories and things I just don't care to think or talk about.
We haven't been speaking to Katelyn's dad and it's been nice. Drama free. No anxiety of wondering when he's going to call and what kind of turmoil he'll put my daughter through this time. It's nice when he stays away. Kate deserves to have a dad - but he's not it. He's not fit to be her dad. He's really not fit to be a part of society to be honest. He brings fear, anguish, hurt, pain and all of the things that a dad should never bring to the table. He's everything a dad shouldn't be. We still haven't heard from him. But I did recently hear that he's back to drinking (after a month clean and sober supposdly) and that he's not changed one bit. I'm not surprised. What worries me is that now he's living at his mother's house - which is VERY close to my house. I don't like that at all. I literally gave myself a panic attack thinking about it yesterday.
Everywhere I go my past is just right there in my face all of a sudden. This stuff with Kate's dad. Flipping through the channels and always landing on Intervention or something regarding addiction. Wanting to drink a glass of wine with dinner and wondering if that's the best choice - I'm most definitely NOT an alcoholic but wondering if me enjoying a glass of wine at dinner is going to affect the way Katelyn views me. Will she think of me the way she thinks of her dad?
Then this morning....we stopped at the grocery store to grab flowers for the babysitter (today is her birthday). We walked in and I hear, "Excuse me." I turn around and see a tall lanky man probably in his 40's. Wearing scrubs and wire rimmed glasses. He looked normal but his eyes...something about those eyes bothered me. He pointed at Katelyn and said, "Hello, how old is your daughter?" I looked at him like he was nuts. Anyone in this day and age knows you don't ask a perfect stranger in a store that question. it's just....creepy. I asked why and he told me that his daughter was one and he was just curious how old my daughter was. I walked away. Something wasn't right and I felt weird about it. We grabbed the flowers and I noticed him watching us walk through the store. Then he was out of my sight.
I grabbed a few more things and headed to the check out lane. I must've looked disturbed because the checker asked if everything was ok. I told him what happened and he said, "He just came through my line. he was definitely strange." After talking a little further with the checker he tells me, "It's 6:45 am and he just bought a case of Budweiser and a bottle of liquor." Ahhh....another drunk. Wonderful. Not only was this situation CREEPY as shit, the guy was a drunk. There it is again, right in my face.The checker went on to tell me that the guys eyes were bloodshot and he reeked like a bar.Oh yes,,,I know that smell all too well. Brings back memories of my dad.
The checker walked katelyn and I to our car just in case. I didn't see the man out there, but I was still pretty nervous. I drove Katelyn to the babysitter's house and tears rolled down my cheeks. I silently cried to myself and wondered when the hell I'm going to get over the past. When will I be able to see a drunk at a store or watch Intervention without feeling this way? When will I be able to stop seeing stupid shit that wouldn't affect normal people - yet it brings me back to being 12 years old and my dad being drunk and telling me I was a fatass (Keep in mind I was VERY skinny at the time)? When will I be able to not doubt the Danny is everything he says he is (and shows me he is). Will I alwys have that tiny bit of doubt in my heart that he's going to end up a drunk/drug addict just like Katelyn's dad?? It's completely irrational. Danny isn't a drunk or a drug addict. Never will be. Will I always have that part of me that doesn't trust a soul - just because I couldn't ever trust my dad? There is just so much anxiety with all of this. Anxiety I don't want to deal with.
I want it to go away. For a long while I was great at blocking it out. Up until I saw that one episode of Intervention a couple of weeks ago. I don't know why that triggered all of this, but it needs to stop. I'm over feeling like this.