Sass Monkey (my 4 year old son) told me last night that, when I had the baby, I was "gonna ESPLODE just like this, Momma!". He then proceeded to throw himself up in the air, flail out all four limbs while making a booming noise, and land face first on the bed in glorious physical illustration of my impending L&D experience.
I am starting to think he may be right.
Last Thursday I had the wonderful "It's time!"... "Oh, it's NOT time? But it sure as hell feels like time!" experience. In other words, 45 second contractions 5-6 minutes apart for several hours led to a speedy trip to the hospital... of course, minutes before the giant baby shower all the lovely folks at my place of work had planned. (You should have seen the cake! Could have fed the entire 101st Airborne Division and had leftovers...) Anyway... Hubbs and I get to L&D, they stick a gigantic needle in my hand, hook me up like a spider in a web, pump me full of enough fluids to blow me up to roughly the size of a Macy's parade balloon, and then... wait... The contractions didn't stop. This is IT! THIS IS IT! Ummm....but it isn't, you see... After being felt up by about 4 different people they all conclude I was not dilating. Not dilating? Not even a little? NOT DILATING? But this HUUUURRRTTTSSS!!!! WTF?!?!?!!?!
Turns out I am getting all the BANG and none of the "It's a girl!" BUCK. It's False Labor... aaaand it could go on for weeks. Hearing the "False" part kind of hurt because it didn't feel "False" at all. In fact, it felt entirely "True" and, as a third timer, I was a little disturbed that I could be duped like that... by my own body even. The contractions didn't stop but I got to do the walk of shame past the front desk and back out into the parking garage.... *sigh*... with no baby.
Part of my disappointment is because I really can't wait to meet her, part of it is because I really don't want to be pregnant anymore, and part of it is because of that stupid word "False"....
This got me ta thinkin'... there are a whole lot of words used in OB/GYN situations that have a very negative connotation. Words that BLAME ... words like "false" and "incompetent"... words that would never be used in reference to a man's pink parts. I mean, imagine if they called it "Failure to Launch" or "Bad case 'o' the Flops" instead of "Erectile Dysfunction"? Or what about "No Goo For You" or "Bye-Bye Boom-Boom Juice" instead of "Prostate Cancer"? Well they just wouldn't, would they?
Hey you, Who-Ha community! My cervix was not "Incompetent " with my last pregnancy (it was just over-eager), and there was nothing "False" about my contractions this time around either. They sucked then, they sucked all weekend, and they suck now. Let's call them something else, hummm? How about "Super Heroine Squeezes" or "The-Hell-We-Are-The-Weaker-Sex Marathon Labor Prep Exercises"? We could call them the "Seriously's?!?!" for short... just sayin'.
We have no more control over "Incompetent" or "False" than over "Dysfunction" or "Cancer".... You Docs may not see it as a failing, but as a hormonal and desperate pregnant woman, hearing "False" hurts. But I will continue on, do my kick counts and try to wait patiently... Yeah... *sigh*
More from parenting