Wow, I'm here. I'm really really here. After taking up a good portion of my day reading people's blogs, I am now blogging, or am I? Do I have to have a following and a great writing ability to really be considered a blogger? I am unsure of myself as I venture into this new experience but will still jump in, cannon style, eyes closed.
In about 4 weeks I will be turning 40. Yes, that's right, the big 4-0. and. I. am. FREAKING. out. I have many friends who have passed that milestone and were o.k with it. I have many younger friends who tell me I don't look it, don't worry, then they quickly look away, as if they don't believe those same words themselves. I know I'm at a great spot in my life. I have 2 happy & healthy boys, although I'm sure my oldest is going to make me age prematurely; I will save those stories for another day. I have a good husband. I'm a little mad at him today so that's about all the kind words I have for him right now. I have a good job. I feel o.k, I look o.k, my parents are still young & healthy enough to enjoy us all. So what is it that makes me want to vomit everytime I think about those 2 numbers?! Why does my stomach curl up in knots when I think about that upcoming date?! Why am I so afreaid to enter the next decade of life?! I don't know...
Maybe, even though I don't necessarily want more kids, it's like the end of that era. I don't mean any disrespect to anyone having kids after 40, but I hope if anyone is reading this you knd of understand. My body is no longer the fruitfull child bearing home it was in my 30's.
It could be that my father is really starting to look his age, my mom's hip is really bothering her, and they are approaching an age I cannot even write about.
Or is it the plain fact that on my father's side I have about 4 aunts/uncles over 75 & I am so worried that when one goes they will all go. It's been a long time since someone close to me has died and I am utterly terrified of that moment.
Then there's my kids. My hilarious, adorable, smart, active "LITTLE" kids. I truly wish I could hold onto this moment forever, when they are small, happy, and safe with me. But, as I age, of course they will also grow.
So what scares me about turning 40? Not the fact that I'm getting older - ok that does bother me a tiny bit. It's the fact that everyone around me will also get older. I know it sounds silly, that's life, right? Only it's my life right now and I just don't want to go there. I want to stay here, where everything is perfectly great.
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