I'm a Bad Mother

5 years ago

You know those times when you are supposed to pick up your kids from school and you don't, because you are sleeping? No? Oh... so that has never happened to you? Ok - *awkward*.

I feel really bad for my kids. Their mother neglected them.

I feel like a sorry scumbag.

And I can't believe I did that. I laid down next to Lil'bit when I put her down for a nap. I wasn't going to take a nap...I was just going to lay there to keep her on the bed until she fell asleep.  And then get up and get some things done around the house. Next thing I know, I roll over, look at the clock and it is 3:00.

There is no greater nightmare. I should have left an hour ago to pick up the kids.

I jump up, fly to the kitchen, throw open some drawers, shuffle through papers trying to find the school number. My phone rings. It is David.

Correction - this is the greatest nightmare. 

The school called him at work after they tried to call me and I didn't answer. I am frantic, trying to slip on my shoes, find my keys, and flash over to school. Then on the way, my mind starts running away in Crazyville. Where are they? Is someone watching them - and if so, who? What happens when all the students are gone - have the teachers gone home, each thinking someone else is watching the kids? OMG, COULD THAT HAPPEN?!?

( I have trauma because my parents left me at church one Sunday AND left me at the mall one night. True story. Another blog post one day)

OK - back to my story...

What happens if I get there and go in, and no one knows anything about the location of the kids and they look at me with confusion? OMG WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS!?!?! I check the Gym which is where the pick up line is. Gym is pitch black and vacant. I park and walk in the front door and see no one. I go to the office....and there is only one person in there at the desk. I'm sweating and afraid to ask where the kids are. I'm scared of the "What kids?" stare being returned on me.

She tells me they are in the computer Lab. Relief pours over me. I find them there each on their own computer with headphones on - not a care in the world.

One of my biggest fears in life, is losing my children.  In crowded places, I panic. My eyes are constantly darting from one to the next child when at a park. It's exhausting trying to keep eyes are four moving kids. Then when I lose track of a child that has gone behind a slide or through a play tunnel, it almost sets me over the edge. It's my biggest fear and just thinking "what if" is almost too much to handle.

Because of this chronic fear - today was a nightmare for me.  I can't get over the bad feeling in my chest. I'm mad at myself. I'm embarrassed. And I'm still scared.

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