I Love You, Dwayne Johnson, But DAY-um

4 years ago

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you what I found in the Wal-Mart toy aisle the other day:

 
Don't think I'm not tempted.

It's no secret that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and I were meant to be soulmates and he just hasn't been smart enough to find me yet. I want to have his gorgeous little babies, and I'm not even sure I can have babies anymore. But if any man's DNA could find a way, it would be his.

Oh yes, it would be his.
 
So when I happened upon this in the Wal-Mart toy aisle, I thought to myself  "Self! At last we have something to cuddle on cold winter nights besides an ungrateful feline!" 
 
But wait, it gets better. 
 
If you push upon his poofy pectoral muscle, he spouts out catch phrases. It even plays entrance music, which could come in handy, if I roll over on it in the night and I need some background music for the dream I'm having about Mr. Johnson. Might be a nice change from the usual bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm stuff that plays.
 
So I reached for it, and plucked it from the shelf, certain it would ease my lonely nights until Mr. Johnson came to his senses and found me. I might even take it on car rides with me. Or to the movies. Possibly to any home jewelry party I'm invited to.
 
Then I looked at the price. 
This doll is $31.
 
Let me reiterate: this doll is not life-sized. It does not come with an autographed photo of Mr. Johnson or even a foldout poster of him reclining on a rock wearing nothing but a loincloth. It does not include a secret code that you text in order to get a personal phone call from The Rock himself. It is only a doll, and it will ask you if you can smell what The Rock is cookin'.
 
For $31.
 
I love you, Dwayne Johnson, but for $31, that doll needs to have some vibrating attachments. Until then, I'll make do with a $9.40 Thor, and spend my evenings dreaming of Asgard, until you find me, or Wal-Mart puts that damn doll on clearance.
 
I'll be waiting, either way.
 
 
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