How (Not) to Change a Diaper

4 years ago

It's not hard to freshen up a baby's undercrackers, right? The procedure is pretty basic:

  • Lie down
  • Rip, rip
  • Unfold
  • Gag
  • Wipe
  • Lift
  • Lower
  • Fold
  • Stick, stick

You can then stand back and admire your handiwork safe in the knowledge that there will be no poo-splosion on your watch.

Fast forward eight months and the picture isn't so rosy.

Oh it is OHN!

Maybe it's just my children -- although the popularity of tie down change tables in public toilets tells me otherwise -- but my babies don't just lie still for nappy changes.

My babies delight in turning nappy changes into a bizarre ritualistic game, the rules of which remain a complete mystery:

  • Lie baby down.
  • Watch baby flip over.
  • Turn baby onto back again and pin with one hand.
  • Remove old nappy with one hand.
  • Ignore the slightly squishy feeling on the end of finger.
  • Reach for wipe with one hand, realize you forgot to take one out of the packet.
  • Try and pry a single wipe from packet with one hand using a flapping motion.
  • Give up when wipe decides to bring some friends for the ride.
  • Calculate that you can remove hand from wriggling baby, grab wipe with both hands and get back to baby before they flip over and crawl away.
  • Realize you have miscalculated as you watch the baby crawl away before the wipe is out of the packet.
  • Recapture baby.
  • Bribe four year old to come and wave a toy over the baby's head as a distraction.
  • Remonstrate with son for lack of enthusiasm.
  • Grab baby as son wanders off to play.
  • Decide to try pinning baby with one leg in a strange sideways changing formation.
  • Give that up as a bad job as it doesn't stop the baby flipping over.
  • Call two-year-old and give them permission to blow raspberries at will.
  • Sit back and smile at semi naked baby laughing hysterically at her big sister.
  • Sneak nappy under baby's butt mid-raspberry.
  • Untangle baby's fingers from screaming two-year-old's hair.
  • Contemplate giving up on nappies and starting Elimination Communication.
  • Call husband over for help while pinning baby down by all four limbs.
  • Assume superior expression as husband takes over.
  • Watch as baby lies still, coos, and allows husband to change nappy without so much as a toe wiggle.
  • Call baby uncharitable name and try not to smile at the gummy grin.

This is not parenting, this is a full contact sport and I'm taking a kicking.


Mum, activist and parenting junkie. Passionate about empowering women and living a good life with my family.

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