How to Annoy Your Teen:

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Though I love my children dearly (even my two teenagers), their condescending tone can really get under my skin.  It’s like they think I’m an idiot, and they clearly find me embarrassing.  

I don’t get it.  It’s not like I’m showing up at school in dirty sweatpants or revealing short skirts and high heels.  I’ve seen the other moms - I know there are many out there who are more embarrassing than me.  (Really.)
That’s why my kids’ attitude bothers me so much.  So lately I’ve begun to retaliate.  How do I do it?   By purposely trying to annoy them.  

I realize it’s immature of me, but I figure if it releases some of my pent up anger, we’re all better off in the long run.

Your teens been dissin' you too?  Here's how to retaliate:

1.    Mispronounce things they hold dear.  Taunt them with statements like, “Is this song by that boy band you like, New Direction?”  (Mom  - It’s One Direction!)  Or, “I don’t know if that Gingham Style song is very appropriate.  I can’t understand the words even!”  And, “Why don’t you post that picture on your Tom-bull page?”  Feign shock when they correct you, each and every time.   

2.    Pretend you signed up to chaperone their field trips or better yet, dances.  Follow through only if feeling really vindictive and have that kind of time to waste.

3.    Be much too interested in their interests.  “So what happened in drama class today?  When will Mr. Pratt start the auditions?  Did he say?  Are you going to audition for the role of Juliet or Nurse?  How many words are in the play?”  Or “How many classes do you have with Dylan this year?  How bout Alissa?  Brynn?  Sabrina?  Garrett?  Jeannie?  Caroline?  Beth?  David?  Avery?  Maddy . . . ?”  Or even better,  “Did Natalie hook up with Derek this summer?  How long have they been together?  Do you think they’ll go to prom?”

4.     Hide their favorite clothes.   Heck, they accuse parents of doing it every day anyway.   Stash their “only good pair of jeans” under the bed.  Hide their favorite black bandeau behind their curtains.  Stow one track shoe in their sock drawer.  (Bonus – this helps prove your point that if they kept their room tidier they could find things easier.)  

5.    When their friends come over to visit, outstay your welcome.  Plop your body on the couch right between them and try really hard to teen talk, “So what movie you watching?  Oh, The Vow?  Get out!  That Channing Tatum is so hot.  It’s redonkuluss!”  Which leads me to . . .

6.    Use their slang, but use it wrong.  “This lasagna is so ghetto . . . Those potholes are sick . . . Pass me the peas, cuz YOLO! . . . Hey there Mr. Car, don’t get all up in my grill . . . Daddy’s gone golfing, you know your baby daddy’s a real playa . . . Wow, our cell phone bill is so high, why they get all chillin on me? . . .  Girls, did you let someone in your back door?  Total Fail.”

7.    Dance.   At home, in the car, in the store - whenever the beat moves you, and the more enthusiastic, the better.

8.    Offer to contact their school.  Whenever they come home whining about some perceived injustice immediately offer to write a strongly worded letter on their behalf.  “Why don’t I email your PE teacher and just explain that you were having your period so you couldn’t jog the whole mile?”  Or,  “I’ll write to your English teacher and tell him your bedtime is 10:00 o’clock and you didn’t have time to write the essay.”  Or, “Another dress code violation?  Let me contact that principal and tell her that I prefer you wear short shorts and see-through tops.”

9.    Comment on Pinterest or their Facebook pages.   It’s best to reserve this only for when you’re really angry.

10.   Exist.

    The other option is to do all that touchy-feely talky stuff that the experts recommend.  Frankly I find these tactics more fun.

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