Photos by Visualize Photography
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul."-Horatio G. Spafford, 1873
One of my husband's favorite lines is "waiting is the hardest part of hope", on monday we went into the doctor thinking we were going to hear the heart beat of our fourth child for the first time. 15 minutes into the appointment our hopes were dashed once again as we saw what looked like empty black pockets on the ultrasound screen. I was in shock... I had already started showing... my boobs hurt, I was moody and tired... how could there NOT be a baby in there?? I could feel the dam of emotions ready to break... I was heart broken and pissed off. I had just gone through this in November with miscarriage number three... and now it was happening again.
As my doctor started to explain that it looked like another molar pregnancy my heart sunk lower... and I could almost physically feel the wall I was building on the inside my to bind my emotion and hide my pain. When I hurt so deep I have this automatic shut down... it guards my heart... it programs me to joke and say I'm fine when really it feels like a peice of me has just died.
A friend of mine texted me and encouraged me to draw close to God in this... and I relaized that in my deepest pain I even shut him out. And I wondered why... but I also knew... I was pissed... and hurt and angry and kinda at Him. To go in expecting to see your baby for the first time and finding out it's really just a tumor producing the pregnancy hormone... is hard to digest... even though I had heard these exact same words before years ago.
How easy it is to praise the Lord and encourage people to live fearlessly when everything is going great... and how hard it is to say thank you and live for Him in the midst of heart ache.
Yesterday my mom took the kids and I had a long time to think... of all of the things I am so grateful for... the love of my life... three amazing boys...awesome parents an incredible family and the best friends anyone could ever ever ask for. And I realized this is how we praise him when it hurts... this is how even though I am mourning the dream of ever adding a fourth child to our family... I can say PRAISE THE LORD...IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.
I fully realize miscariages and tumory uterouses aren't the biggest tradgedies in life... but we all face pain and disappointment, broken dreams and hurt so bad it feels like it's suffocating at times. I think what God wants us to see is the hope we have in him... the hope we have because of who he created us to be... the hope we have because of the people he's put in our lives to love and support us. The hope we have even when we are waiting to understand, so that even in the midst of trials and challenges we can all still say PRAISE THE LORD...IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.
New To The EMM Blog?
Just in case you're new around here I thought I'd introduce myself.... I'm the scattered crazy Earth Monkey Mom Lindsay:) And this is my family. My kids never have clean faces, my house is usually a mess and I always have 3-15 loads of unfolded laundry sitting on my couch. My family just received an Extreme Home Makeover and it's crazier than ever here! I post on Fridays and we're glad you're here and we hope you'll stick around... More than anything we want you to know that none of us have it all together... and wether your kids are 40 or 4 you're not alone in your journey through motherhood!
Irregular Earth Monkey bibs, paci-packs and porta pads sold for a fraction of the price!
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