Hootie and the Suckerfish

4 years ago
These days, it seems like everyone and their uncles are breastfeeding their children longer than ever---except the uncles because unless they used to be aunts, chances are it's more of an awkward situation that should probably be rectified quickly to avoid scarring a child for life and instilling a fear of nipple hair.

 

Anyway...

I have been nursing Piggle since day one. We've had many ups and downs, and we've fought really hard to get this far. Problem is, breastfeeding a toddler is damn near impossible without a tranquilizer gun and pepper spray.

 For those of you who are nursing and aren't quite at the toddler stage yet, here are a few tips:

1: You'd better start watching UFC or WWE as often as you can. Take notes because you're gonna need to know the Sleeper Hold. They don't stay still. Ever.

2: Toddlers have the attention spans of burnt toast crumbs. They can play with 85 different toys in under half a second and destroy your entire house in less than that. They can't focus on any one thing, and the same holds true for your boobs. Your little one will switch from side to side eight. million. times. Seriously, don't even look at them because you'll get dizzy.

3: Around a year old, they discover human anatomy (see Curiosity and the Kitty). While it's fun to make them point to the different parts of their body repeatedly, the hilarity is lost as soon as they grab your nipple and twist...or pull your hootie out in the grocery store! True story, folks.

While I fully advocate nursing your child as long as possible, it's not easy! I have had days when I truly understood why people shake babies, and it's really difficult when the only way the damn heathen will sleep is with your tit in his mouth...oh, and have I mentioned that your boobs will never be the same? I'm talking tennis balls in tube socks, people! (Unless you're me and then it's marbles in ankle socks).

Regardless...

There are also times when the best parts of my day are spent nursing. It's not often that I get to cuddle Piggle anymore, what with him holding down a full-time job as Resident Demolitions Expert, but when he is on the boob, I get my fix of huffing baby hair and kissing fat, squishy cheeks.

There are certainly highs and lows in an older breastfeeding relationship, but in spite of the challenges it presents and the amount of strangers who have been accidentally flashed because Piggle couldn't keep his hands to himself, I don't regret a moment of it, and you won't either!

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