People, my family has reached that point of summer where each of us seems to be devolving into punchy-gaga batshitness. The kids are playing an incredibly stupid game they just invented. It’s called Toucan and involves my couch, one of their “easy chairs” and two kids in underwear jumping over and into each other and then falling down. Obviously they’ve each already sustained injuries – we had to ice Oliver’s butt – but have returned to the game immediately because they are that smart.
Today I gave Jack $5 for lunch because, merciful god, I figured out two days before the end that he can buy lunch at camp. He bought onions, pickles, tomatoes and strawberry soup. What?
“Jack, you have to eat some fat. Where is the fat in that?”
“Fat happens tomorrow, Mom.”
I guess that’s better than packing a lunch, but still.
He is now threatening me about a Magic Treehouse book-on-CD.
“Now or never, Mom. I want it tonight. Otherwise I’m gonna throw away one of your favorite magazines.”
He has no idea how helpful that would actually be. I had already put the CD in Oliver’s room. Tough doo-doo, man. And PS, why can’t kids ever just ask each other, “Hey, can we trade?” Why all the middleman shit? Never gets them anywhere. Again, it’s obvious that summer has helped them become smarter.
I took away all of his allowance chips for tomorrow. Fun.
Meanwhile, Oliver put his little man part on me one too many times and he is now under life-threat of losing Pete the Cat for double infinity.
One of my best girlfriends, C of two daughters, texted me recently in an equally batshit way. “I just told Oldest Girl that she was being annoying. She said, ‘I like to be annoying; then I’m the center of attention.’”
I have come to realize that my life is not yet ready for childcarelessness. As in, no babysitters or relief at bedtime at least once a week is b.a.d. for this mama.
Another friend tweeted me this and the world shifted back into slightly better balance. A British friend wrote me today and said could appreciate my being “an extreme fan” of Benedict’s. Love the way she put that.
Tom walks in and I say, “Did you see that Benedict’s Hamlet sold out more quickly than did Jay-Z and Bey’s tour?”
“No, because I do not live on the Benedict news feed.” Hmph.
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