It’s no secret that I will be an empty-nester in just 3 weeks. I’ve talked a lot about giving thought to whether or not I should continue blogging. I started this blog for a few reasons, some (two actually, who shall remain nameless) of which are flying the coop . . . or leaving the nest . . . or something.
I’ve been encouraged by some really amazing people who read this blog and join in conversations on my FB page to continue blogging. I wasn’t really sure I could without the causes of my stress and the eaters of my baked goods here. But after much thinking and weighing and soul searching, I’ve come up with a plan. Genius, really. I need replacements. New muses. And I know just how to do it. I’m taking applications.
It’s not a live-in job. I think we have less of a chance of my head exploding if I just hire the staff on an “as needed” basis this time around.
I encourage you, if you feel as though you're up to the challenge, to fill out the paperwork and start the process. Slackers need not apply.
Part One: Position
____ Taste Tester
____ Back Talker
____ Eye Roller
____ Mess Creater
____ Excuse maker
____ Any available position, I can do all of those
Part Two: Personal
Number of Penitentiaries inhabited: ____________
Hours available (check one): ____ all ____ none
Part Three: Health
Check one: ____ Sane ____ A little Crackers ____ Total Wackadoodle
____ Passive ____ Aggressive ____ Passive/Aggressive
____ Strong stomach ____ I’m a Puker
____ Convincing Liar ____ I’m a Twitcher
____ Strong Moral Compass ____ Lost in the Woods
Number of times your stomach has been pumped: _____________________
Decibel level at which you play music: __________________________________
Number of minutes it takes to turn on every light in the house _______
Do you have a “tell” ____________________________________________________
Part Four: Work History
Please list all previous jobs with skills pertinent to the position for which you are applying.
NOTE: Any applicants with references who will attest that you are well behaved, show up on time, maintain a clean work space, are respectful, answer phones and/or follow rules will be forced to spend time with my teenagers.
Part Five: Recommendations
Please list 3 people, living or dead, who will attest to your ability to roll your eyes, talk back, storm out of a room, make poor choices, eat your weight in chocolate, take two hour showers, sleep late, miss deadlines, and glare someone to death.
Part Six: Corroborating Documentation
____ Birth Certificate ____ Death Certificate ____ Green Card
____ Driver’s License ____ Credit Card ____ Debit Card
____ Insurance Card ____ blood alcohol level ____ arrest record
____ credit score ____ IQ ____ birth order
____ school transcript ____ Voter Registration ____ Will
____ mug shot ____ blood type ____ ERA
Part Seven: Wage Requirements
What are you willing to pay for this once in a lifetime experience? ____________
Is that negotiable? _______________________________________________________________
My signature herein serves as my word that all information provided on this application to be true based in truth somewhat true not completely fabricated. Submission of this application absolves potential employer of all responsibility for anything, any time, anywhere and under any circumstances.
Applicant Next of Kin
Interviews will be scheduled by employer. Baked goods will be supplied. BYOB.
What baked goods will be provided at the interview?
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