For some reason as an adult, Easter has always been fraught with fear for me. Next to Christmas, it's the only other holiday where shops are closed and everyone is on holidays. I have always felt the need to 'get away' over Easter and fill up the time holidaying somewhere else. Looking back over all my adult Easters, there has rarely been one where I have been at home, and maybe only one or two where I have been sober the entire weekend.
Last year, I spent the entire Easter with my (ex) boyfriend, while my kids were with their Dad. Thursday night was spent drinking wine and watching DVDs in front of an open fire. Good Friday we went to church and then had friends around to eat a whole baked snapper. On Easter Saturday we went and had a 'night in the city.' At the time, I thought this was the best thing ever. We drank in a pub all afternoon and then went out to Chinatown and drank champagne at night.We both drank to blackout. Easter Sunday we woke up with hangovers and went to a large church in the city, where thankfully, the communion wine eased my hangover pain. After this we went out for breakfast, and then drank the rest of the day away at one of my all-time favorite bars in the city. It all sounds so wonderful on paper, and at the time, I suppose I enjoyed myself. It was at the beginning of my nine month relapse, where drinking was still a 'happy' thing to do, and blackouts were still accepted, if not encouraged, by my partner.
This year my children are again at their Dad's house, and armed with this knowledge and years of anxiety over filling up the Easter weekend, I have chosen to do not much at all. I suppose I could have made more of an effort, rang friends and arranged lunches and dinners out. However, surprisingly the fear and anxiety I have had about Easter in the past is not present today. It is a strange feeling, and although I am at peace with my decision to have a relaxing and quiet weekend, it's almost like I'm waiting for the 'bubble to burst' and start worrying that I am not doing something. So far this has not happened and I think, once again, it proves to me how strong my program of sobriety is. The fact that I didn't organize to do much over the next few days means I have faith in my program and I trust that the steps I am following down this new path of sobriety is a steady one. I believe previous attempts to get sober and stay sober have failed because I haven't had a good program that I have created to suit me. In the past, I was too worried about what everyone else was doing to maintain their sobriety and it all appeared too hard for me. One of the key things I have learnt this time around is that everyone's programs are different, and so I needed to construct a program that was meaningful to me and stop comparing it to others'.
So today, I visited a lady who lost her 17 year old son in the Black Saturday bush fires, two years ago. He was a client of mine and a friend, and since this tragic event, his Mother and I have kept in touch and we catch up with each other every now and again. I took lunch over to her house and we simply sat in front of the open fire talking about her son, life, grief, Motherhood and everything in between. On the way home, I picked up some fish and chips, then went home and watched a DVD under a blanket with the heater on. One of the good things about today is that I have had no fear. The best thing about today is that I am sober. Quite simply, it's been a good Friday.
Photo Credit: mecookie.
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