God, is it too much to ask? I'm trying. I see my son, and I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to be the one on the outside looking in, wanting to join, but instead is just watching. Because that's me. I want so bad to be included, to be invited, yet if I am invited, I'm so painfully shy that saying 'yes' is very hard to do. And there are times that in groups of people, I wish the floor would just open up and swallow me because it's so extremely uncomfortable. I don't know what to say. And I don't know how to get past feeling like such an outsider. I'm trying my best to fit in here, to find my way.
I don't need five. I don't even need two. God, I just need one friend here - just one. One that gets me. One that will pick up the phone and say, hey come meet me. I would love to spend some time with you, and let's let the kids play. One that I know I could be myself with, that I could express that I was having a hard time, without feeling as if they were judging me. One that would reach out to me if she needed something because she would feel comfortable allowing herself to show weakness and trust me enough to ask for help. A friend to share laughs with, and in a perfect world, get our families together for picnics or gatherings.
God, sometimes I feel like I'm dying here, and this sea of loneliness is swallowing me up. God, is it too much to ask? I just need one.
More from parenting