The Gardenburger® from Hell...

3 years ago

...or the Gardenburger® gift that keeps on giving.  So, what were you up to at 11pm tonight?  This is what I was doing:


Honest to goodness, I was just rolling over to turn off my reading light when the screaming began.  I waited a couple of minutes to see if it would die down and my little guy would go back to sleep, but it reached a crescendo and my husband popped up and went in to investigate; we had reason to suspect that something might be amiss in our little guy's diaper.  Let me take you back a couple of weeks.

I don't know what the conversation was, or maybe we had just finished the last of the black bean burgers we had, when I reminisced about the Gardenburger®, the ORIGINAL Gardenburger®; brown rice, oats, cheese, mushrooms and other assorted veggies, all pressed into patty form to create the perfect veggie 'burger' substitute.  It's been a while since I'd seen Gardenburgers in the vegetarian freezer section, and I fondly recalled my days as a vegetarian and ordering a Gardenburger® at Denny's after a late night at the club; they were a staple in my freezer at the time as well, but never tasted as good as they did on a toasted bun at two o'clock in the morning (read: beer munchies).  To make a long story short, my husband came home with a warehouse club pack of Gardenburgers with a huge smile on his face; he had found Gardenburgers!

But these were not my Gardenburgers, a fact that I quickly pointed-out, and would not likely scratch that Gardenburger® itch.  These "Malibu" Gardenburgers are poor imitations of the real thing.  Please see Exhibit A below:


These, my friends, are the Gardenburgers from hell.  If you see these in your grocer's freezer, run away [to the customer service desk] and lodge a complaint with management.  Malibu-schmalibu, these damn burgers (bought in BULK, I might add) have been haunting our household for the last two days.  We eat a diet comprised heavily of vegetables and grains, so I have no idea what the problem is, but heed my warning: do not feed these to your potty training toddler.

The combination of...whatever ingredients in the burgers set him off (they're a bit greasier than the original Gardenburger®, so that could be the issue), mixed with the fact that #2 on the potty is D's least favorite thing to do...ever, has made the past two days interesting (read: exhausting).  It goes a little something like this, diapers are off throughout the day for D to use the training potty, but then diapers are put on for naps and bedtime; this smart little bugger holds off doing his business until you've snapped a diaper on and have left him to nap for hours or sleep through the night.  For some reason, a dirty diaper hasn't impeded nap time, but the past few nights D has begun screaming an hour or two after being put to bed...a dirty diaper being the culprit.

Tonight was no different than the previous two, except that the little guy's poor bum was a raw and red as a raspberry from non-stop Gardenburger®-induced bowel movements.  Add another nighttime bowel movement and his business was in bad shape; bad enough for him to tell us that his "peanuts hurt" (I'm sure you can figure that out, right?).  My dutiful husband ran out to the garage to fetch D's baby bath so that we could give his bum a soothing soak.  There is something to be said for having oatmeal for breakfast every morning, as my favorite breakfast item came in incredibly handy for D's first aid bath.  The fact that it was my breakfast being poured into his bath was not lost on Declan, as he kept sifting his hands through the oatmeal, alternating saying, "Mommy's breakfast" and "Mommy's bath".  My sweet little man.


After a sweet little soak, his business looked a tad better, but our bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed little guy was reluctant to leave the bath (I don't blame him, his bum was RAW).  After prying off each individual finger, we got Declan dried off, bum spackled, and put him bed diaperless (*making the sign of the cross*).  Thank goodness for our Protect-a-Bed crib mattress protector; it's brand new and going to get broken in really quickly tonight!

Does anyone have any oatmeal I can borrow for breakfast in [a few hours] the morning?







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