Yesterday I sat down and wrote my blog. It was brilliant, if I do say so myself, and since I am the only one who will probably ever read this I better acknowledge that brilliance! Ha, how is that for humility. Joking aside. I poured my guts out in that post, went to re-read it before I posted it and poof it was gone. So now I have this wonderful title for my post and nothing to back it up. Prior to that I also decided I should read the help tag "Take a tour". Knowing my severe lack of computer knowledge and wanting to get this blogging thing down right, it seemed the smart thing to do to, honestly to god I could not understand one thing it said to do, not one!
Now I am not a stupid woman, as a nurse I can keep the most complex patient alive and actually aid in their recovery, I can also take a horse with alot of history and rescrew their head on, I have raised two incredible children, stayed married to a man I should have gotten rid of years earlier, started a natural horse business (while I was working full time at a prison), but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to use this fangled machine. Now nurses love initials, SOB, BSN, STAT, DOE, DOA.....and they make sense to us, but the public doesn't need to know them or how to navigate their lives using them. With computers you do. Sometimes I get a text from my neighbor and I cannot understand one thing she has said because of the initials. So when I went sign up to have these blogs go out over the world; the directions were to put your URL on your SRG and then have the blah, blah, blah talk to the lah, lah, lah. I just sat there and laughed. Immediately thinking, well Terry, I guess the world isn't suppose to enjoy your brilliant musings about life as a 55 year old. And then the terrible send debacle occured and it was confirmed that no one else is ever suppose to read these.
That's ok, I'm writing them down to try and help me heal. Now that my life has slowed down and I am trying to figure out "what next" I decided that writing it down might not be a bad thing. I came up with my horse business plan while I was shoveling manure and cleaning stalls. I think better when I am active. I was injured at work a little over a year ago and so the shoveling of manure is on hold, however, I am no less full of _ _it.
I had decided when I got divorced that if I was going to go to all the trouble of divorcing I was sure going to figure out what happened and how I had gotten to this place. So that I could stop doing that. I am sure people would say I over think things but if that was true then how did I get in the spot I was in? Maybe I just wasn't thinking about them the right way, ok, now that is just silly, what is the "right" way? The catholic way, your mother's way, a man's way. If that was true then I would be freaking out about using the word I so much in this post. Ok, so I am freaking out about using the word I so much in this post! In "good catholic girl teachings" you do not think about yourself (I), you strive to serve only others and everything you do is for someone else; even if it is detrimental to you. Exhaustion is a must for a "good" catholic girl. I actually thought I was a recovering catholic, until I started getting divorced. Everything I did was to make sure everyone in my immediate family, or what was left of it, was not inconvenced too much. I didn't want my decision to hurt them - DUH!!!!!!!! So I started down a road of new bad decisions. Actually the truth is, they weren't bad they just weren't well thought out. I was catapulted right back to my youth when I was trying to figure things out and didn't have a good mentor to talk to.
So now 5 years later, I move so slow I am almost moving backwards. Truth again is that I am scared, scared of screwing up the next part of my life and at 55 I don't have too many more opportunities to get it right. Now, my brain gets it and I am getting better at thinking things through, but my heart is sooooooooo scared that I become immobile. I have an opportunity to build a business as a Certified Legal Nurse Consultant. It is a fascinating field, would afford me the opportunity to make a lot of money and work for myself. BUT, that voice in my head says; "Terry you are a nurse - no one is going to want to hire you, you are too old, can't run a computer right and why would anyone pay you that much money?" Nurses are the worst at self-promotion. So I procrastinate in moving the plan forward. I have a plan and it is sitting in a folder in my neatly organized office!
I am not really that psycho, I know how screwed up that all sounds but that is also the cold, hard truth. I have always been very bold and believed I could do anything. My life has bourne that truth as well, however, one day I woke up and I was in my 50's. I looked in the mirror and saw my Grandmother, I couldn't wear 6 in heals any more and I needed a knee replacement. I have a tummy and my bones ache. What the hell, who was this woman? My ex-husband was now living with a 38 year old woman. Same age as our Niece, actually younger and I didn't feel so good about myself. In thinking about it, I realized this was going on forever and I really needed to figure it out and come to terms with it or I could go to the plastic surgeon and rebuild myself. I work with a woman who did that, nicest woman in the world but honestly she looks like the designer Versace. Not such a good look.
So the quest is to regain my self esteem, rebuild my life and quit being such a whinny baby about everything. Hoping writing this all down will help with that. Whether anyone ever sees this or not. Cross your fingers, I'm about to hit the send button.
Have a great Monday!
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