Here are some funny things my son said today:
1. "Just clean up the kitchen:" Um, okay 1920's huz (#mimickingdaddy). He said this to me when I was telling him he must use the potty to poop, instead of continuing to go in our backyard. He thought that cleaning would distract me-- 'ya know, cuz cleaning is just soooo fun and engrossing. I promised him if he went on the baby Princess Potty that I bought him that I would buy him a treat. And you know what he said? "I only like treats after dinner for my dessert." Someone's gettin' a little spoiled in the treat department, I'm thinking! I'm not sure why he continues to assert that a piranha will eat his ass if he poops on the potty. I have assured him that we don't even have piranhas in the Northeast. We even went to Petco to buy one as a pet (#Imserious), and they looked at me like an alien (#freakmom) and said they don't sell them. (Btdubs: Why not? My friend Mallory in high school had a kick-ass piranha, and we'd watch it maul the baby goldfish. He was a good fish).
2. "Why can't kids drink coffee? 'Cause there's wine in there?:" This quote kind of relates to him asking to go to "the wine store" for candy. See, I had to make this trip pleasurable and desirable. Otherwise, when I launch them into the stroller in their pajamas at night to hustle to town for some vino stock, they won't be dragging their feet. Well, at least my kids know that wine isn't good for them... I'm doing something right. Right?
3. "I'm going to lock you in the basement forever and not tell anyone where you are!" Easy, Mommie Dearest! Just 'cuz I told you not to ride your balance bike 60 mph in the middle of the road at night without a headlamp, it doesn't give you liberty to give me a life sentence of basement imprisonment (#maybenotsobadifweputTVdownthere). I'm not sure where he gets ideas about this, but maybe he's picking up on some Dateline episodes when he comes down late at night and insists he wants to "watch your show for a l'il bit." I thought he was busy playing...who knew he was all ears on Keith Morrison's narrative of "Banished to the Basement." (I just made that up--like, I totes could have a job there doing titles. Note to self: go on Dateline website and look for job of "Title Inventor").
4. "I wish I had a bulldozer, so I could break the fence at school and walk the sidewalk to home." Poor guy. He really doesn't want to start school. Every night he says, "When I wake up, do I have school?" And I say, "No, it's still summer. You have another week left." And he says, "Is a week a long time?" Well, in our land of Groundhog Days, a week is a super-long time. Like, there's no hump day, and it's chock full of daily activities for seven days, including visiting the pirate ship tomorrow (#pokemyeyeout). I wish I had a bulldozer sometimes too, son, so I could run over people who write love notes to their spouses on Facebook.
Well, that's all I got for today. I asked him if he had anything else funny to say, and he replied: "I think that's all I say."
Word to Your Mother.
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