Where do you start a blog when it feels like you have a life time of experiences to tell? When it seems like forever when you can recall a happy event not shrouded in negativity, abuse, sadness and sheer depression. When for so long it has been impossible to really smile and to really laugh like you mean it, with true happiness behind it. When your childhood at the time seemed like any other childhood and teenage years, but once looked upon and reflected upon, you now see where the cracks were, you see how you turned into the person you are today.
I thought I fell in love soon after graduating and starting in the workforce, it seemed so perfect.....how wrong I was! My pregnancy went without a hitch, I felt good with no problems. My son’s birth on the other hand was traumatic and I nearly lost my life, it was not the start to motherhood I was expecting, that’s another storey.
Life went on with a husband that mentally and physically abused me, cheated on me and rarely helped with anything that needed to be done in the house or with our son, I thought this was all normal after all he was my first love and I knew no different. A work colleague who managed to get me to talk about home over a period of time explained to me that what he was doing to me was not normal and that I shouldn’t have to put up with how he treated me, what he was doing to me.....but where did I have to go? Who did I have to turn too? Why would anyone else want me? It was so simple! NOT!
It took that same work colleague to point out that he thought I showed the symptoms of having depression, I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know whether this was the case or not, until he provided me with pages and pages of print outs all about depression, I didn’t know what to say or do. I mean I didn’t feel happy but I put it down to my husband, being a busy full time working mum, not because I was actually depressed. Nobody had ever mentioned it before, it wasn’t something that I had been around or heard people talk about. I didn’t know then but that was a turning point in my life when the walls came crumbling down, I was on a downhill slide and on an emotional rollercoaster that I lost control of, and my Black Dog was a dog with no training!
The day I found out that my husband had been to a brothel was the day that I felt anger like nothing before! I went home and told him to leave. I became a single mum of a toddler over night, and my son no longer had a full time Dad. I still don’t know how I had the courage to kick him out or how I managed to start this very lonely journey, but I did, I thought it would be a turning point. That turning point was not what I expected, depression consumed me, the Black Dog didn’t give me a break, and family and friends didn’t want to be a part of what had now become my life.
I went to so many doctors telling them about how I thought I was feeling and some started me on medication, while others told me that I was too young to be depressed. Eventually I found a doctor who really asked questions and got me talking about my feelings, symptoms, and started me on a schedule of medications and wanted to see me every fortnight to review. I was on medication that would be enough, the depression would go away, and I would be able to get on with my life. Well it seemed simple, and not having any experience with depression previously, I thought the pills would make me better and life would go on. How wrong I was? And there is so much more to tell.
So I had depression! I had kicked my husband out! I was now a single mum to a toddler! My little boy no longer had a full time Dad! My friends and family decided that me separating from my husband warranted no need to have any friendship or relationship with me, was it the separation or was it my obvious unhappiness!
This would be the start of me hitting rock bottom.
What abuse that I suffered at the hands of my now ex-husband had been removed from my life was now replaced with the abuse that I took out on myself, and the impact that bloody Black Dog had on me.