My situation can't possibly be that unique that no one in the world can help me with it. That's what I used to think but now I'm not so sure. It's to the point of where I need a series of therapy sessions and so far I have been null in finding a therapist who doesn't patronize me and tell me what good mom I am. I don't feel like that sometimes and I just want to say it. Is that so horrible? Well if you are wondering if I am a stark raving lunatic, it's possible I might be, but let me tell you why.
In January of 2012, my 35th year of existence, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to get my tubes tied. The baby making factory was going to be shut down in December if no acts of God or life caused me to get pregnant before that time. I figured 35 was a good age. At the time I was a single mom of four kids ranging in age from 16 to 4, so I pretty much had my hands full already. I was in a good place in my life, my youngest was just about out of kindergarten, so I had no more daycare to worry about (kindergarten was only half-day), and my oldest was two years away from graduating high school. Everything was golden, only there was one problem: I was still single.
I wasn't looking for anyone, I had just been released from what I would call the most horrible relationship of my life and I was happy being single, but I was lonely. Those two elements do not make for a good combination, especially when the only thing you have ever wanted in life was a complete family. So I was getting comfortable with the idea that I was going to be single and raise my children, alone, and I was ok with that. Then he came.
At the time I wasn't interested in him at all, not for dating or otherwise. I was intrigued, but I had heard a lot about him that wasn't all that appealing ( one of those keepers..lol). However, I took a chance thinking that I could possibly find a companion to hang out with and go bowling. That turned into a journey that has now entered into the hellfire and I had no idea that it would get this far.
We had a whirlwind relationship and we decided tha we were in love enough to be married. I guess I was drunk although I don't remember drinking anything. We had been talking on Facebook for several years, so in my lonely mind I knew this man. Our families had been acquainted for years. His father dated my aunt back in the '60's and they went on vacation together every year. So I knew of him, but I didn't know him. In my mind that made for a great husband. So we decided to get married in May of that year.
In September, I found out that I was pregnant. Now remember earlier that act of God that I was talking about? Well this was it. So I started to resolve my feelings of all-over-the-placeness about this pregnancy. That mixed with hormones wasn't so great, but I was ok with it. I was feeling more sickness than usual in the first couple of months, which I thought was highly unusual since I had been pregnant a few times before. But I didn't think anything of it and just continued on with my pregnancy. At 11 weeks, I became very ill and decided that it wasn't simply morning sickness and that I better go get checked out. I wanted to make sure that nothing was wrong with "the baby" since I hadn't had an ultrasound or an appointment with my doctor at that point. I went into the Emergency Room and I was there for a few hours. The doctor on call gave me a saline drip and told me I was dehydrated and once the saline was in me I would be on my way. However, we needed to take an ultrasound first, just to be sure that nothing was awry with "the baby". I agreed and went in to ultrasound.
Once I had been in position for the technician to put the little wand on my belly, I felt comfortable knowing that everything was pretty much ok and that I maybe just wasn't drinking enough water or something to that effect. I had my face turned in the opposite direction of the screen at the time. Suddenly, I heard laughter coming from the technician. I thought to myself that it was quite unusual for an ultrasound technician to be laughing, because this was a pretty serious situation. I became quite offended and turned my neck quickly toward to screen to see what could possibly be so funny. She said, "Do you see what I'm seeing?" I almost fell to the floor. When I looked over at the screen there was one baby on top of another baby. I was having twins!!
Normally twins would be cause for great joy and happiness. I was terrified out of my mind. We just moved into a new house, which was bigger (thank God), but the payments had increased quite a bit. I already was blessed with three teenagers, who loved to increase my grocery bill in the summer time, and my husband and I were not getting along at the time. In fact, he was out of the house a month prior. My initial thought was 'how in the hell am I going to pull this off?'
I pride myself on being a good mom, my kids tell me they wouldn't trade me for the world. However, I had no idea what to do in this situation. Was I supposed to be happy? Was I supposed to be joyous? Was I supposed to believe that this was a great thing? I wasn't feeling any of that. Twins did not run in my family, I was just the lucky one who was producing two eggs that were both fertilized at the same time. Yay me!! I had no support system, besides my husband, who wasn't being very supportive at the time. I felt completely alone and now I have these two people swimming around in my uterus with no issues in life other than wanting to be born and needing all of my vital nutrients to survive, completely depleting me of every bit of energy I had. I was also afraid of several things. I was afraid that since I only wanted one child, that I would favor one over the other, or love one more. I was afraid that my marriage wouldn't last and I was going to be a single mom again of not only six children, but six children that included a set of twins!! How was I going to afford daycare for two babies? I was afraid of how my other kids would feel with my husband being the father of the twins and not their father. Would there be issues between the children? Would there be issues with my children and my husband? Would they think I loved the twins more? Would they be resentful of them? Would my youngest feel replaced?
All sorts of things raced through my mind, but once I came to terms with what was happening it became easier as the days went on. Neither abortion, nor adoption was an option. So I just resolved to the fact that I was having two babies that I was going to love with everything in me. Well at least what I had left.
Oh but God was not through with me yet. He had another lovely surprise in store for me.
In December of that year my daughter called me at work and said "hey mom, I don't know if I had my period this month, I'm not sure because I haven't been keeping up with it." She was about to turn 16 and she was a junior in high school. At the time she was having sex with one young man, unbeknowst to me, without protection. Later I would find out there was a lot about my child that I didn't know. Immediately my heart started to beat twenty times faster. I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. My first thought was go to the drug store and get her a test. My hope was that this was just nothing and she was just mistaken about the days.
At this point I was in my second trimester of pregnancy, which by the way was the most difficult pregnancy of my life. No one tells you about the pain and contractions that you have throughout a multiple pregnancy, that is not there with a singleton. Not to mention the constant trips to the hospital and the constant ultrasound appointments. I was in pain all the time and now I found out that my daugher could also be pregnant. My mind just blew up at that point but just like always I walked around acting as if I was alright, when really I wanted to break down.
So that night, I stopped at the store on my way home and bought her a pregnancy test. I still had a few from when I found out I was pregnant, but suddenly those tests dissapeared. I only bought one test and as soon as I got home I urged her to take it. She walked around for about two hours acting as if she was going to take it when in fact she already had and knew the result. She didn't want to tell me. Finally, I made her take the test and she confessed she had taken it a couple of hours before but she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I would react. Finally after about an hour of going back in forth about the test, she showed it to me. My heart broke into a million pieces. My baby who I carried in my own belly and raised alone for 16 years was about to become a mom. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I still can't. Not only was I dealing with my own pregnancy, two other teenagers also in the throws of adolescence, and a toddler, but now I had to deal with a pregnant teenager who I still had to be responsible for and no clue as to how to do any of it.
So I just did what I always do and took it all in, then acted as if it didn't affect me. I don't know how I pulled that off, but I managed to do it throughout her entire pregnancy. Most people told me that I should kick her out of the house, but I wasn't about to do that. I just took it on like a new challenge, pulled up my big girl panties and went on about life. For the next eight months we walked around like a circus act "Step right up, come and see the mother and daughter preggers, only $1!!" At least that is how I felt at the time. Amidst the constant pointing, gasps of surprise, embarrassing outbursts, and questions, we managed to get through and come out still sane.
Now here I am on the other side, a mother of a twin infants, a first-grader, a middle schooler, a freshman and senior in high school, and a grand child all in the same twelve months. I am in every stage of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood all at the same time and I am only one person. Now my husband and I are separated and the thing that I dreaded most is also happening. I am once again a single mom. I try to take things day-by-day. Right now I am trying to figure out how I am doing it all without getting drunk. I'm not ok, and everyday is a struggle, but I will be. Even with the "are they triplets?" question that is constantly thrown at us and the constant need for people to stop us in the grocery store, life isn't all that bad. I have two little cute babies, a cute little grandson, and four healthy and happy children. If I could do it all over again, I don't know if I would, but right now I am going to at least try to enjoy what I have and hope that most days are great and filled with the joy and wonder that motherhood brings. I could pout and complain, but what good would that do. My kids are my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Stuck in Limbo
Hopefully not for the rest of my days
More from parenting