So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
But what else?
That's it. A Mom.
This was always the case with me. I had no desires to go to college because I knew I wanted to be a mom. I went to college but just couldn't seem to find any course that interested me. It took me until I was 35 to actually become a mom and another 3 years to become a stay-at-home mom. I was so excited and had vivid daydreams about teaching my young girls and shaping them to be beautiful, intelligent, confident women.
Cut to today. I just spent the morning picking up grapes off my floor that had been stepped on and smushed into the carpet. It took me 20 minutes just to get my youngest daughters hair in to some semblance of a ponytail. My oldest daughter is having to go to preschool today and confess that she stole 18 small plastic teddy bears yesterday and is trying to convince me to tell them instead. I just wiped up dog pee because my dog decided it was too cold and wet to go outside and thought this was a better idea. My stepson just texted me and asked me to call his best friend's mom to see if he could come over. And dear hubby is off on a four day trip (he's a pilot).
This is not quite what I imagined parenting to look like. When I was younger, my dreams did not include being a single parent four days a week. It didn't include a 9- and 12-year age difference between the oldest and the 2 youngest. It didn't include being step-parent. And it most definitely didn't include feelings of failure and inadequacy. But there you have it.
I am trying to learn and truly believe that I am doing a good job as a mother. My kids are fed, clean (mostly), and most of all loved beyond comprehension. But there are days, more often than not, that I feel like I just wasted a day with them because I was just so overwhelmed. Some nights when I go to bed, I feel an abundance of guilt about a myriad of things; did I let my daughter watch too much TV today; was it OK to give the oldest cereal for dinner; why won't my youngest stop whining for 10 minutes????? I pray constantly about the raising of my daughters, because even after the veil was lifted on what parenthood actually entails, I still want my daughters to grow up to be beautiful, intelligent, confident women. And I know that as their mother, I need to try and instill those values as well as a mountain of others.
But I also feel that a majority of moms out there read blogs and see all these great things that other mothers do and feel like they are a complete let down as a mom. And add Pinterest to that mix, it's like a one stop shop for making a woman feel inadequate! So I have felt that I need to "keep it real" as my stepson would say. I am here to air my dirty laundry and confess just exactly what happens in this household on a daily basis. Whether people read it or not is not going to affect me one way or another. I am using this more as a way to keep myself from losing my mind constantly thinking I am doing the wrong thing.
So from here on out, in order to protect my family's privacy, I am going to use nicknames for the family: Hubby is now FO, because he is a first officer on a major airline. The stepson, age 13, is The Boy. We have always called him that and since he is the only boy is seems appropriate. The 4-year-old is Mini-Me and the 1-year-old is Sassy. The names are appropriate as will be revealed soon.
I hope you enjoy this journey and will find some comfort in what happens here. Maybe some of it happens in your life and you feel alone. I pray you will find a kindred spirit in me and will realize that you are a wonderful Mother! Even if your kids haven't had a bath in three days and there is a funny smell coming from the couch. They are alive and loved. What more can we ask for?
Photo Credit: odonata98.
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