A huge sigh of relief washes over me… and as soon as I feel the pressure release in my shoulders, something rushes over me. I’m thrust from the couch, as though I was just launched from a human rocket, and sprint to the bathroom. I barely make it to the toilet before I see my lunch floating on top and sinking to the bottom… and not realizing that this uneasiness is foreshadowing for the weeks to come.
I text Jason the next day, and I don’t receive a reply. I feel like I’m in déjà vu. This can’t seriously be happening again to me. What was I thinking?
Two weeks pass, and I’m at the car dealership waiting on the finance guy to seal the deal on my new crossover. I’m so glad I didn’t depend or wait on Jason, as his famous last words run through my mind, Just wait a little while, and we’ll get you a car. Just as I’m thinking this, my I receive a text message.
Oh, great, it’s Jason. I can only imagine what he is going to say.
As I sit by my dad in the car dealership lobby, I read the text.
“How are you?”
Really, that’s what he has to say?
I respond, “Good.”
In the next 15 minutes of text conversation, I can tell he is still angry, however, not as angry as he once was… thankfully. I decide to finally end the text conversation. I tell my dad to let me know when it’s our turn. I step outside and call Jason.
“I thought we should talk instead of just conversing through text.”
He says, “I don’t understand how you are making a decision for three people.”
“I’m making a decision for myself only. I’m choosing to have the baby.”
“You are also making it for me and the child. You are bringing a baby into this world, where people in Africa are poor and starving. How can you bring a child into this world, when the economy is just going to get worse?”
How dare he bring up people in Africa. I know what it like is over there. I lived there for months volunteering, so I saw firsthand the poverty and starvation.
“If I decide to not have a child or live my life, because there are people poor and starving in the world, I would not do anything. I would never leave my house.”
He says, “I just don’t see how you can make this decision for all three people.”
“I’m not. You said yourself that you didn’t want me to have an abortion or give it up for adoption (even if he had wanted one of those, I wouldn’t have chosen either of those options). So, I’m not sure what you are wanting from me.”
“I just didn’t want any of this to happen.”
“It’s too late for that.”
My dad comes outside and tells me the finance guy is ready, so I say to Jason, “I have to go. I’ll call you when I’m done.”
Several hours later, I call Jason. Wouldn’t you know, he doesn’t answer. No real surprise there.
Two days later, he calls and says he wants to come over and talk. Okay?
He couldn’t answer when I called him back the other day, but now he wants to come over and talk. What the heck?
I say that’s fine, and for the next thirty minutes, I have a variety of scenarios playing like vignettes in my head.
He is still mad and gets madder as the conversation goes on.
He is happy to see me and apologizes for everything he has said and his part in how I’ve felt since finding out about the baby.
He plays coy and doesn’t know what he is doing or what he wants. He is still confused and not giving me any answers as to what he wants.
He first acts like he cares and wants to talk, until it’s my turn to talk. Then he turns mad and shows his anger once again, which turns me off. He leaves pissed off.
My thoughts are interrupted by his knocking on the door. I clear my head of all the previous scenarios and try not to anticipate how he will act, but just go with the flow and conversation… and be authentic at the time. Just make sure I’m sure to myself, thoughts, and feelings. Now is the time to be honest. What have I got to lose? Nothing.
I walk to the front door, and before I open it, my last thought is to make sure I find out if he wants to have anything to do with the baby or not. Stop skipping around the issue; can I just have an answer already?
Read "Finally My Answer Part 1" to see if A Clueless /Mom gets her answer.
Woman Opening a Wooden Door photo via Shutterstock.
More from parenting