Whew. This is a tough one to write.
But so as not to try and “sensationalize” things, let me say up front that it does NOT mean that we’re not getting married or the engagement is off or any of that sort of thing.
I’ve been sitting with this dilemma for a few months. I’ve actually become distant on here as part of it. It was certainly not an easy decision to come to. And I kept plugging away at planning and even met with a caterer two weeks ago, all while trying to decide if this is what we should do.
As you may know, we’re building our own home. Alfie doing most of it with his own hands. It has been the longest, most drawn out process I have ever experienced in my life. (Its going on 6 1/2 years now). Everything in our life is on hold while this project gets finished. Including becoming officially married. Our “plan” has always been to finish the house, get married, and add to our family. The order of events is NON-negotiable. Currently we reside in a two bedroom townhouse that was to be a temporary home while we finished this project.
As you can imagine, it’s pretty difficult to add to our family when all the bedrooms are taken. There just simply is not enough room.
But I digress……….
Last year in May when we “officially” became engaged, we really had no idea how much longer it would be until the house was done, but were fairly confident it would be done by May 18th of this year. So I plugged away at making plans, notified the friends and relatives that at least appeared to slightly care, and tried to make the best of juggling everything, and play the role of the “excited bride-to-be”.
But the thing is……………. I’m not excited. I could give two shits about linens, and favors, and bridesmaids, etc. I tried to give a shit, but with no mom or girlfriends to share in the excitement with, and a future husband who has more stress on his plate than any man I know could ever imagine handling, I began to question why I would even put myself through it?
As the clock ticked down, getting closer and closer to the time when I needed to start making these decisions and putting things in motion, the less enthusiastic I got. AND—in the spirit of full disclosure—Alfie and I started taking it out on each other. Not to mention—It had me wondering if because of my lack of enthusiasm, and because it has been pretty much a completely un-enjoyable process—is it some sort of “sign”?! Some SIGN of perhaps deep down inside I don’t WANT Alfie to be my husband?!
And the two of us taking our stresses out on each other because things aren’t happening “fast enough” on our home just flat out compounded the fear of perhaps we’re not to be married in the first place.
The stress had become too much.
Add to it the fact that we literally have NO ONE in either of our immediate families that have been supportive of the project from day one. In fact all we’ve come up against is criticism. “The house is too big”, “aren’t you done building that thing yet?!”, “you’ll never have that thing done by spring”, “your utility bills are going to be outrageous”, “I don’t like your sidewalks”, “why’d you set the house back so far?”…………..
This list goes on…………….
Lets discuss guests— Alfie’s attitude is any of the people who made any of the above statements aren’t exactly people he would want there on our day any way. (well that eliminates one hell of a lot then!)
Then you have the likes of his sister-in-law, who just recently said to me that no one wants Mackenzie around, and divulged to me that her one daughter has spoken badly of me, and the other was mean to Kenzer. As you can imagine—she and her children would not be welcome.
It would be to appease people, and out of obligation. Well, who wants that on a day that is to celebrate OUR love for each other? Not me. I want to be “unapologetically myself” as Carla would put it.
It’s so weird what the blog world can do, because although she doesn’t know me from Eve, a post that Carla wrote last week HIT HOME with me in more ways than she’ll ever know. The title went “17 Years Ago in the Basement of a Jail…..” (it’s a must read by the way)—but essentially her marriage started in the basement of a jail 17 years ago.
It truly made me reflect upon what’s important to our family. OF COURSE we love each other! OF COURSE we want to be married! The importance doesn’t lie in the date, OR the event. The importance lies in US. Being together. Loving each other—as we do so deeply.
I looked at where the stress was coming from (aside from me turning 35 in March and us wanting to add to our family—THAT’S a post for another day!) the stress was coming from trying to accomplish all we were trying to do by a certain date—May 18th—so that we could hold this elaborate dog and pony show, at our expense, for people to attend, who up to this point had nothing positive to say.
Don’t get me wrong, we don’t feel that way about EVERYONE obviously, but there were more than we cared to count unfortunately.
Eliminate the date, and you eliminate the stress. And so it was done.
Suddenly, the fact that we set out to accomplish getting our laundry room completed in one day and it ended up taking this ENTIRE weekend didn’t seem so DIRE, as it may have had we been feeling pressured to complete things by a certain day.
Maybe it will still happen on May 18th. Maybe it will be the 19th. Or maybe it will be July or August instead of May. That we don’t know. But we’ll be headed to the Caribbean as a family to do it (most likely one of the Sandals resorts). That much we DO know. And the most important people in our lives will already be in attendance. The rest that care to, but perhaps can’t make the trip, can watch the video.
More from parenting