Dear Technology: Mothers everywhere are thanking you for the recent lice plague.

3 years ago

This post first appeared on Mona Andrei's personal blog,

If you have kids, you KNOW the hell that is your-kids-coming-home-with-lice.

Just to clarify, my kids do NOT have lice. At the moment. Since I have four kids and have spent many a (fucking) hour-upon-(fucking) hour preening my children, I just feel that it is my duty to warn you that there’s an apparent lice epidemic on account of technology.

And no, I have not just exceeded your expectations of my ability to muddle up current hamster thoughts. In fact, the hamster has nothing to do with this one. I read about it on the Internet. Apparently, the cause for the current lice riots is selfies. Too many kids – especially TEENAGERS – are getting head cozy as they take pictures of themselves to create beautiful memories. Except that what they’re really creating is a bridge for lice to cross over into unchartered territories and take over the world – one head at a time.

And while there are plenty of treatments out here – both “natural” and chemical – no matter which one you opt for, the most important part of any treatment is to make sure that all the nits (lice eggs) are out of your kids’ hair.

This is because nits have Keith Richards’ DNA. Nothing kills them. Nothing. So even if you do the treatment and kill all the lice, if you’ve overlooked a nit or two you can be sure that the process will start all over again once the eggs hatch in about a week.

PS. I’m purposely not adding a picture to this post because my head is itchy just thinking about lice.

Random Lice Facts

  • Contrary to popular belief, lice cannot fly or jump. They’re crawlers.
  • The plural of lice is louse.
  • Animals don’t get lice.
  • Heat kills lice.

That’s it for today. I need to go stick my head in the dryer now.

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