I would give anything to have 10 more minutes with my father. Every day is a day farther away from him and closer to a lifetime without him. It is unbearable agony. He was the most wonderful man.
My father is the first person close to me that has passed away. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to hurt this much. The pain gets worse rather than better.
People keep telling me to focus on the wonderful times we had together but I can’t help but think about all of the things we won’t. He won’t walk me down the aisle, he won’t hold my children, he won’t be there when I get my master’s degree. There will never be someone who will protect me with everything they have like a father does. I still have my whole life to live and he won’t be there. People keep promising that it will get better but it doesn’t. How can things get better if my dad won’t be there?
I feel as though I’ve joined a club that only those who have lost a father too young will understand. I am in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
I haven’t been surprised by the people who were there for me but I was surprised by the people who weren’t. Some of who were in my family. I kept waiting to hear something…anything…but nothing came. I don’t understand when people take death lightly. I understand that some people don’t know what to say, but simply saying you’re sorry goes a lot further than ignoring someone who just lost their father and laughing with others in the next room. Or not hearing anything from them at all. I don’t know what it means when your friends do more for you than your family. I suppose my ideas of what a family-should-be are changing. I’m not bitter but it shows me the kind of people I want in my life.
My father is one of those people and I want to continue his legacy. I think when his parents’ left this world too early, my dad saw how much kindness meant to other people because he valued those who showed him kindness during that time. My dad was always trying to help others. He would do anything in the world for his family and friends. At the time I was too young and selfish to see it, but this is the way to live. It is what makes life worth living.
A positive from this is that my faith is reaffirmed. I have to believe there is something after death or it would be too depressing. I can’t imagine a universe without my father’s spirit. I need to believe he is watching over me. He can’t just be gone.
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