"D-Day" Diagnosis/Devastation Day

5 years ago
i barely slept last night.
i lay in bed wide awake.
sick. worrying. praying.
praying that i'd be able to get through today.
praying that everything would be ok.
i just had this feeling.
ive had it once before, in louisiana (when Luke died).
i just knew....
i got recker all dressed and we headed to phoenix. when we got there,  we got into see Dr. Robbin Blitz at around 9:30am, she came in with her intern. She asked me to sit next to her by the computer while her intern observed/played with recker. they layed out gymnastic type mats for him to play on, gave him toys and books. I sat there as Dr. Blitz went over his extensive bloodwork that he had done last week. she said there were some very concerning irregularities. i thought, well ok so? she explained that she was concerned that he has something called mitochondrial disease/disorder. she said we need to see the neurologist and that possible he may need a muscle biopsy. then she sat there, went over all of her observations, the 5 tests that recker took, 2 evaluation packets done by me, my mom, and the doctors.
she was telling me everything that i didnt want to hear.
i sat there.
i was listening.
i just didnt understand.
this wasnt how his appointment was supposed to go.
i just kept telling myself, hold it together i think you may be misunderstanding her. but then she said it. AUTISM. she showed me where he rated on the spectrum. that was hard to see. on a scale of mild to severe, he was moderate to severe.
i was just told my baby was autistic.
he is just a baby. 
he is only 16 months old.
i held it together.
i kept telling myself to stay strong.
i think i was still in shock. they both looked at me with a puzzled look, like maybe i wasnt getting it. because i didnt react at all. i just sat there staring at the wall. she got up to get me a tissue, which i thought was weird at first. 

he will never serve a mission. he will never get married. he will never have a family of his own. his life will never be what we thought it would. i finally cried & she sat there with me and went over this whole huge packet she made for me that had information about ASD. by the time i left her office it was after 12:30. i cried all the way to the car. i sat in the car for about 30 minutes sobbing. trying to comprehend how our lives have just changed completely. everything that we had dreamed for him, is gone. i cant explain how it feels to be told something like this about your child. i feel broken. i know that so many people function and live normal lives with children who have Autism, i know about all the resources and who to go to and where to get help. and i know everyone will be so kind and offer advice or suggestions, and i appreciate it, but not now. PLEASE NOT NOW. i could NEVER imagine that its possible to feel this way. that mourning feeling. that feeling of absolute LOSS. "they" say it will go away, but for now, that is all i can feel...NUMB & ROBBED. ROBBED. Ive been robbed. 
This is an article written by a member of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from parenting

by Madeleine Deliee | 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern | 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern | 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern | 4 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern | 4 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern | 5 days ago
by Sara Lindberg | 6 days ago