When a biopsy of your tumour is considered 'alone time' you do not have a balanced life. My life is topsy turvey. I have stage 4 cervical cancer which essentially means that my crotch is trying to kill me. Awesome. I loathe with pavlovian fear any type of crotchal examinations yet I have had about 12 in the last year. I had stage two cervical cancer and then had almost six months of 'all clear' tests...only to find out my sneaky lil cervix was simply hiding a fantastic tumour. Today I was lucky enough (BLECH) to get an emergency biopsy which is not nearly as much fun as it sounds. So after taking two little ones to the doctors for various sniffles and ear infections, I rushed across town to have my tumour snipped without anesthesic because 'most people find it painfree' and then rushed home to relieve hubby of childcare duty..and I was so depressed and frankly, feeling sorry for myself that I was a pretty rubbish mom today. Not Judge Williams bad but still pretty far from my ideal. Patience is such an important skill to have as a parent. While trying to get my two year to sleep, he trashed his room. Every item of clothing was pulled out of his drawers, every wet wipe was thrown all over and the bottle of milk was ripped out (pretty impressive strength) and milk was everywhere. During that tirade, my 5 year old was being needy. Not naughty, just needy. He was set up with paints and lovely water colour pencils and inviting white paper.
'Mom, I'm done'
'No Honey, you need to make a card for JJ'
'How do you make the n letter?'
'Here, I'll write the words out that you need'
'You are not done, keep going fill up the page'
'Honey! Mommy is grumpy and is about to yell at you even though you don't deserve it so just please do some art for 10 mins and let mommy clean up the disaster that is the kitchen that your father thought would be completely flippn acceptable to leave for me to do after having a biopsy'
To my two little men who did not get their best mommy today, I'm sorry. I feel like cancer sort of won today and I won't let it take over again. It is so easy to get wrapped up in my own feelings and forget that your emotions are tender and dependent on mine to a large extent. Possibly you appeared to be the spawn of satan (screaming MAMAMAMAMAMAMAAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA while driving to the birthday party) because I was abrupt and clipped today and quite frankly a bit of a bitch. Nothing overtly horrible; (no one was put in a microwave or anything) but still you had a mom full of resentment and secretly thinking 'I wish I wasn't here right now'. I guess I can feel lucky that you usually don't have a mom like that. Usually I try hard, love hard, squeeze the present out of our present tense. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you both to make me a mom and I will be better.
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