Back to School Coffee? Obviously the PTO Hates Parents

3 years ago

I woke up this morning with a little spring in my step. In three days, my peaceful, boy-free house will be reclaimed for seven whole hours a day. Yippee!! I will pop out of bed like a songbird and start belting out, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” (This holiday medley also makes an appearance during the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.) Back to school means back to sanity.

While my computer is booting up, I ponder all the possibilities for that first morning. Should I start with a jog, then shower? Maybe a bike ride? Or a massage? Maybe I can bike ride to my massage. Or maybe, I will plan nothing and just see how I’m feeling that day! After 74 days of planning, I could use a break.

My inbox is chock-full of the usual amazing sales and offers and also an email from our elementary school’s PTO. And then one from our middle school’s PTO:

“Back To School Coffee! Reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. Hope to see you at 8:30am!”

Credit: marcohamersma.

Why PTO, why? I love our Parent-Teacher group dearly and do my part, but am I the only one who doesn't want to speak to anyone after 74 days of noise and chaos? I need at least four days to decompress, to exterminate the evil, impatient monster that reared its head about two weeks ago.

Any other year I could avoid these smiling women by driving slowly through the drop-off lane and pushing the kids out. But this year is different. My youngest is starting kindergarten, and I need to capture this milestone with about 60 digital photos that will remain on my laptop to never be printed. I will most likely shed tears behind large, black sunglasses and wonder where the time went. Then I will go home to my peaceful house and continue belting out “It’s the most…wonderful…time of the yeeeeaaar” while I contemplate what I should do for the day.

So to parent-teacher organizations everywhere, if your attendance is low for BTS coffee, please understand that there are others like me: Moms who have lost their shit during the summer and just need some time to recoup their dignity. May I suggest the following for higher attendance:

  • Back To School Coffee on Friday at 4pm. With Baileys. At a local pub. With lots of Baileys.
  • BTS massages at the Chinese foot bath. $35 to make us all holla.
  • Alprazolam laced brownies, $5 each.

Yes, I will be at the BTS coffee.

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