Since I work as a small business owner and independent contractor, I don't actually get bereavement leave. So that's something of a joke. Gallows humor, I suppose.
I really did think that I’d be able to get right back to work last week. Clearly, I was wrong. Spending the previous week in California, helping my brother take care of my mom’s estate and remains, kept me busy and distracted, and the reality of my existence without her didn’t really sink in until I returned home. It doesn’t matter that our relationship was difficult at times (most times, I suppose), or that I spent many years being angry at her for the choices she made that affected my life directly and indirectly. She’s still gone, and she was my mom. Her health was declining rapidly over the past year, so her death wasn’t a complete surprise, but it was still sudden, and a reminder of how final death is while life is really only this fleeting thing.
Trying to just jump back into my life – both personally and professionally – has been far, far more difficult than I expected. I’m sure I’ll continue to struggle with this for some time, and the challenges of carrying on will gradually get easier. But it’s still difficult. I have no appetite for all the fun challenges that were facing me with work before I left. They now see almost insurmountable, never mind fun. Why? Is it just depression? Are the efforts just to go on day-to-day really so draining that I have no energy left for anything else?
This blog post is my first real step towards getting any concrete work done. I managed a few emails last week, and that was about it. Trying to get caught up with all the projects I was involved with before is daunting – honestly, it makes me want to run and hide. I don’t know how regular my posts will be for a while; if things are quite on my blog, keep checking back. Writing is really the one thing that keeps me sane sometimes, and I’m sure I’ll get more regular writing done before other things get back to normal.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all my blogging friends who have sent such lovely messages of support in the two weeks I was away. I have posted – and responded to – your comments (finally!) at my blog, and going forward with your support makes this so much easier and enjoyable.
In the event that I don’t post before Friday, may you all (who celebrate) have a blessed Yule.
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