When Alexander was 3-4 months old, I went through a period of feeling AMAZING. I was working out everyday. I was drinking water like a champ. I had energy. I was laughing when the pets did something silly. Kiddo wasn’t sleeping through the night, but I still felt like I was getting a good rest. I was incredibly happy with my life, and my place in it.
I am not sure exactly when it changed (or if anything triggered it), but within a week I went from a million dollars to bankruptcy.
I still made myself work out, but instead of feeling recharged after a good cardio work out and a shower, I felt as if I hadn’t slept in 10 days. Lifting weights, my arms and legs just turned to jello. Or my back hurt more than usual. After the week I just didn’t have the motivation, energy, or care to continue. PB bought me derby equipment, and that boosted me a little. I went out once and sprained my ankle. I was embarrassed, and I really don’t know if I will get back on the skates again if I feel like this.
I couldn’t bring myself to drink water until I was crazy thirsty, but not before I got a dehydration headache. I just wanted to eat consoling food. Something to make me feel better. Thankfully we don’t keep much of the stuff in the house to begin with. I also wanted to drink, also not a lot of that is kept in the house. I also make it a rule not to drink when it’s just me and little dude at home.
Energy is completely gone. Motivation to get anything done is completely out of the window. I manage to get laundry done, but I can’t remember actually doing it. The floors are not ideal but the kitty litter is off of them and the dog hair isn’t a complete coat. The office I was reorganizing is only half way done. The only thing that I put effort into is Alexander, and even then there has been times when I completely zone out. He seems to notice because if he wants attention back, he “talks” to me.
I feel lost; anything I had interest in before just seems like so much work -- even work that I used to enjoy. I went back into work part-time so I could interact with other adults and get out of the house. However, all of my shifts have turned into an 8 hours self-loathing concert with only me there to watch. It’s a a constant loop of the pity party soundtrack. “I have degree and now I’m cutting vegetables.” “Why did they let me get the degree in the first place?” “It feels like I have no friends anymore.” Etc, etc.
I also am getting more terrified to talk to people. I don’t want to leave the house. If I can’t communicate by text, social media, or email, there is a chance that you will not hear from me. I am even finding it hard to text friends, and find it disheartening when they don’t text me back (in a couple of days).
I am considering going to the doctor about this. It took me a few days to actually get up the courage to call. I tried to convince myself I was just being silly. I have been shy before, but this feels more debilitating than that. I called, but my doctor has moved her office and the new office is having “construction issues.” How do I even start this conversation with her? Is she going to take my concerns seriously? Am I going to get help or just put on drugs again? I’ll try to work up the courage for the next three days and see if she is open yet.
Have you dealt with depression and/or postpartum depression?
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