So, as you already know, I arrived in Leeds on Christmas Eve to be greeted by cocktails dahlink. But don't be fooled by the thin southern-type veneer that my host was trying to lay on. She was still from 'oop north, and I knew that if I didn't go native, I would inevitably become prey. It's dog eat southern dog 'oop north.
Just imagine that northerners are cheetahs, and that I am a wildebeest, because it is always wildebeests who get killed in natural history programmes......i.e. every time I have ever seen a wildebeest on TV, they have always progressed to having their throat ripped out by a predator.
But hey (and here is a confounding variable), wildebeests do look quite tasty. It's made me feel hungry writing this post. Maybe we could genetically modify them so that their horns taste like Horseradish sauce...... that way we would have a main and a condiment in one go.
Actually, on another note, given that everything from monkeys to crocodiles eats wildebeests, how come they aren't extinct? I would expect them to be the cow-type equivalent of Do-Dos. Except with more legs and horns.
Anyway, I digress. Back to Leeds and going native.
"What do you fancy doing this evening?" asked Sarah after she had given me a cocktail.
"Erm," I said, remembering that I had to get into type, and therefore adding; "I want to go to bingo." Hah! No flies on me.
"Great stuff," she replied, "they are doing bingo tonight down at the local Beeston Conservative Club."
An hour and three cocktails later, we met Louise and Lisa at the Conservative Club, just in time for the bingo to start.
Bingo is a bloody weird game isn't it? It's weirdness lies in the fact that it doesn't require any skill other than identifying a number and crossing it off a grid of numbers that you have in a book front of you. It was a bit like doing a stock-take at work. I did point that out, and someone told me to; 'stop being a miserable bastard'.
Anyway, after half an hour, I started losing interest in the game and began relying upon Sarah to cross off my numbers for me whilst I flicked bits of beermat at Lisa and Louise.
Next thing I know, Sarah hollered a spontaneous death-inducing; "HOUSE!"
"Jeez, Sarah," I gasped in fright, "WTF is going on?"
"You've won!" she shouted, waving my bingo card in the air.
"Bloody hell," I said, pausing for a moment to take it in........ and then in dawned on me. I was a winner.
"Carpe diem!" I cried, standing up to undertake a series of flourishing bows.
"What are you doing?" asked Louise perplexedly.
"Appreciating my fans," I said, adding a 'queen wave' to my battery of triumphant skills.
You see, going native has its merits. Without even raising my eyebrows, I had morphed from wildebeest to cheetah [taps side of nose in a knowing fashion].
P.S. I know I am behind with my postings but it is because Christmas happened. I will hopefully post about Christmas day tomorrow
P.P.S. What the bloody hell have you been up to the last couple of days?
Annie (Lady M) x
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