6 Ways to Tell If Your Baby Is Actually a Zombie

3 years ago
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I know. You've heard it before. Babies are like zombies, ha ha ha. But I really think baby C might be one, because the Threenager didn't do any of this stuff, and he's kind of taken it to a whole new level.

Now, I'm no expert on zombies. I've only seen snippets of Walking Dead while the Husband is watching it, but I think it may be time to worry.

Here are some of the signs that make me think we have a zombie living with us.

1. He has an unnatural obsession with chewing on faces.

I know this sounds weird, but it's totally true. He goes in and just starts to chomp on your chin or nose or cheek... whatever is closest. I think he must know he's close to the brains when he starts doing this, and just can't control himself.

2. He likes to use his thumbs to try and gouge out your eyes.

Seriously, dude will try again and again to dig his thumb RIGHT into your eye socket. The only reason I can see for this is because he wants access to brains.

3. Sometimes he tries to climb inside your head.

This is a hard one to explain. He will grab both sides of your face, or your ears, or your hair, and he will just keep pulling himself toward your face, even though your faces are touching. It's bizarre. Again, I think this is because brains.

4. This explains our breastfeeding problems!

Dude has been giving me blisters on my goddamn nipples for MONTHS now... and... well, maybe he is torn between the milk being his source of food and the flesh being his source of food.

5. Dude. There's an awful lot of grunting that happens.

Perhaps it's due to his slow little digestive tract (thank god for prunes, is all I can say), or perhaps... zombie.

6. Poor motor control.

Well, he's not quite crawling yet, but he will sit there on his hands and knees, rocking back and forth, or jerkily bounce up and down. ALL THE OTHER BABIES ARE CRAWLING, KID! Either I wished too hard, or you're a zombie.

That's all I got. You be the judge: Wouldn't you say we're hovering dangerously close to zombie territory over here?

If your baby is displaying any of these signs too... well, I'm not sure what we do from here. Maybe get in touch, and we can brainstorm next steps. Work on a cure, or something.

~g

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