As a very young girl, ages 3-6, I was sexually abused by my neighbour. There is an utter shame in it. One that cannot be explained by a person of that age, barely by a person of my age. Without getting into any of the gruesome details. I will explain this; it is something I put away in a part of my brain for many years. Something that I put away so far, that I didn't even know it had happened to me. A definite defense mechanism, I still use today, begrudgingly. A fight or flight type of response.
It wasn't until many years later; 19 to be exact, that my abuser came to me to confess his indiscretions and that I may not be the only one he had done this to. It clearly brought up a whole hell of a lot of confusions. As a young girl in my mid 20's now, I knew very distinctly that he was telling me the truth, but I had not let that part of life in for so many years. I felt very scared, alone and traumatized as if it had just happened to me that day. With the same response I had learned so many years earlier, I put this pain to bed, carefully, never wanting to awake it again. It didn't work this time.
You see I met this man, my soon to be husband, and one day we were walking downtown and we passed a flyer posted on one of the small businesses. It was my abuser; I was appalled! He was looking for young children to join his baseball team. I couldn't just stand by; I couldn't let this happen to anyone else. I pressed charges! My fiance stood behind me 100%, as we went through the process. Retelling a story I had never told, not really. The heartache was deafening. A foggy white mist seemed to follow me wherever I went. I couldn't see through it. It took my first pregnancy, for me to see any good in this. Unfortunately this man is still free today, but at the very least, I know I tried my best to serve justice.
Becoming a parent has been the happiest time of my life. My first pregnancy came on the heels, of me finding out I was sexually abused as a child. As all of you Moms-to-be know, it is a fascinating time in your life. We spend much of the pregnancy looking into parenting techniques, tips and ideas. I spent a lot of my pregnancy doing the same, with just one small adjustment. I thought about how never to let what happened to me, happen to them. I obsessed over it at times.
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