10 Things I Will Never Say to My Kids

5 years ago

This past Saturday evening I used three units of time (see my previous post on this topic) to watch Rock of Ages. Unlike the critics, I really enjoyed it. It was campy, fun, and I knew all the lyrics. I felt some of the songs were performed better than the originals, and I even spotted Sebastian Bach in the crowd outside the Bourbon Room. Tom Cruise's portrayal of drugged out 80s rock god, Stacee Jaxx, was spot on. From his long hair and suggestive tattoos, to his walk, to his on and off stage antics, I felt like I was watching a simultaneous channeling of Axl Rose, Vince Neil and Tommy Lee.

It made me wonder: When my children are old enough to watch a movie like this, will they get it? Will they understand that Stacee Jaxx is a caricature of the time, or will they just think he is weird? Worse, will his "rock god" antics be as silly to them as Beatlemania of my parent's generation seems to me?

I realized that the anthems of my generation will likely just be classic rock to my kids. They'll never stand in line at Ticket Master, or "re-dial" a rotary phone for hours trying to get tickets to a band. The more I thought about it, the more things I came up with which my children are not likely to experience. And like that, Laughing Mom's 10 Things I Will Never Say to My Children was written.

10. We'll stop by the video store after school to rent a movie for tonight.
Walking through the aisles looking for a show, picking up cases to read the back of them, holding onto 2 or 3 of them so that no one takes one you are considering...good times.

Related phrases include:
I'll reserve that new release so we can rent it next week.
Yes, I remembered to check that they gave us Beta and not VHS (my Dad always brought home a VHS tape when we had Beta -- drove me crazy).

9. I forgot to tape [insert show name]. Now I'll never know what happened.
Unless someone else you knew watched it, you weren't likely to know how a story line played out.

Related phrases include:
The tape ran out before it recorded the end of the movie.
I set the VCR for 7 pm, I swear. I don't know how I taped the news instead of Knots Landing.
Um, I recorded this week's episode, but recorded over last week's when I did it.

8. Is the TV on channel 3 or 4?
I'll never know what was so magical about these numbers, but they were the only way any axillary equipment would work. Ever.

7. I am not sure of the answer, why don't we go by the Library tomorrow and you can look it up in their Encyclopedia.
I have to admit, I like having the answer to every question at the tip of my fingers. But small talk is much more boring. Remember when people would go on for hours trying to "remember the name of that guy who..."

Related phrases include:
My Dad is a door to door Encyclopedia salesman.
The Librarian is busy, look up the subject in the card catalog.

6. Why not make her a mix-tape?
Mix tapes were a thing of art. For starters, one had to locate all of the songs. Sometimes you were lucky enough to be able to borrow the record from a friend or the library. Otherwise, you were stuck listing to the radio for hours, only to hit RECORD at the optimum time, and then wave SHHHHH to anyone who so much as peeped during the 3:53 song.

Mix tapes rule.

Related phrases include:
Really? You get 12 free tapes just for joining BMG?

5. Always keep 25 cents in your wallet in case you need to call home.
A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he recently watched Back to the Future with his seven-year-old daughter. She enjoyed the movie, but had never seen a phone booth.

4. I'd rather wait until it is at the dollar show.
Blockbuster movies used to have a sweet spot: Between theatrical release at major theaters and their released on video date, you could go to a slightly grubby cinema and see it for a dollar. I am pretty sure I never paid more than a dollar for a movie for an entire decade.

3. You're out of Aqua Net already?
Aqua Net was a necessity until the mid 90s. I think it was the only brand that could freeze mall bangs into place. CFCs (prevalent in aerosol cans) and how they caused the hole in the ozone is also something my children are not likely to know about.

2. We can wait 20 minutes for a non-smoking table, or we can get a smoking one now.
Same goes for bars and planes. I am happy my mom always made us wait for the non-smoking option.

1. I didn't bring my camera, can you print me doubles of yours?
Now that the digital photo frame has come down in price, I am not sure my children will ever get a photo printed again, let alone print them for someone instead of sharing them online.

What will you never say to your children?


Photo Credit: rondostar.

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