When you become a parent, you do so many gross things you never imagined. It’s bad enough that you have to wipe the poop off someone’s butt for a solid two and a half years or so—but did you know you’d be wearing that poop?
I know dads do a lot of these same things, but moms seem to me the one doing the majority of the cringe-worthy acts. Our stomachs somehow change when we give birth and suddenly snot and vomit don’t ignite our gag reflexes anymore.
1. Wipe snot with your bare hands. Proceed to wipe said snot onto your pants. What are you to do if your child blows snot and you don’t have a tissue?
2. Smell things to determine what they are. Is that poop? Did you just throw up? There’s only one way to tell …
3. Stick your hand in the toilet. Those pacifiers aren’t going to retrieve themselves.
4. Smell someone's butt. The easiest way to determine if someone has soiled a diaper is to shove your face up against it and take a deep breath. Yep, that’s poop.
5. Wear baby spit-up with no intentions of changing. Yeah, I know I have spit-up on the front of my t-shirt—I can smell it, too. But what’s the point of changing when I’m going to be spit on again in 20 minutes?
6. Pick someone else’s nose. “Let me get your booger” is a phrase commonly heard at my house. I see them there and I just have to get them. Doesn’t gross me out in the least.
7. Allow your kids to throw up on you. One time Brady got sick, started throwing up all over me and I just sat there and held him while he did it. I quickly moved into the bathtub before the second round hit, but never once did I push him away from me. He needed to feel comforted much more than I needed fresh clothes. All moms do it. I’ve even known a few to catch it in their hands.
8. Investigate poop. The color, the amount, the texture … these things tell us a lot about our kids' bellies. It also usually gives us too much insight into their last meal.
9. Clean their face with your spit. A good spit shine is just as good as a wet wipe.
10. Catch their unwanted, chewed up food in your hands. “Eww I don’t like this!” and then they lean over and spit the food into your hand before you have a chance to hand them a napkin. Why they feel like this, and not their plate, is the best option, I don’t know.
Tell me … what gross thing have you done as a parent?
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