" Girl don't worry you will find someone one day...it will happen.
" When you least expect it and you not looking.. it will happen they will come"
" I mean I am happy I would have never thought it would happen but look at me.. you will have this too one day"..
Does this sound familiar? The wise words of our friends? We love our friends... we do, but my newest realization is that no one and that's NO ONE knows what our future will bring. Be careful not to let your future hopes hang on the "good intentions" of words. The grass is always greener on the other side.. but which side are you wanting to be on? Are you sure you want to choose sides? The real question is can you be content in being alone with yourself and acknowledge or accept that a partner is not promised? I think that somehow in this is where the peace lies, when you can really let go and let live. You can stop living in a world of maybes, or what ifs.. or looking for the lay away plan.. but you live in the present. It's called not being attached to an outcome....
We find it hard to let go of the ken and barbie doll role plays of ourselves in which we lived vicariously through them hoping we'd have the dream home. We rolled the dice in the game of LIFE and collected $100 along the way and saw our whole future played out on the winding road of a board game. We then graduated into soft teen romance novels that had us fantasizing about that first kiss, the strange tingle between our legs and the swelling of our breasts. Everywhere we turned there were constant visual cues and messages that told us we should always plan to be two and not ONE. So we make the box and thus begins the road of our collecting... collecting those partners that would become our "exs" exs that we thought were the "one" the father of our child, the soul mate, one we could cross off the list.. and we stuffed them in this box.. this box we made that was a square and he was a triangle but still we stuffed them in there, yet we wondered why they didn't fit. Some did and to this day we are all cramped and annoyed that they didn't fit but we made them. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we become less and they become more of value in this "box"? why do we think we are in control when we powerlessly give way to our rights to say yes or no...these are real words that do exist, yet we fail to use them often. Why do we try to make a dollar out of 15cents or take piece of them and try to create a whole...What I call "Faux" relationship...
Why do we feel that any relationship is better than no relationship? Why do we accept this "Faux relationship? We want so bad to rock that expensive fur that we settle for a "fake". Even when we clearly see the imperfections sewn and patched so glaringly before us we still wear it. When they say " I am not ready for anything serious right now".. you hear "I am not ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW, but in time you will so I will just stick around and wait it out...." Red flags are waving and alarms are going off and yet all we see is the KMART blue light special going off and we go running. There's..nothing special about it and there ain't no discount.. there is never a discount on LOVE.
It's been quite the battle for me.. the endless lessons I wish would end but they never do, but they do get better. The one thing about the universe is that you will repeat a lesson till it feels you are ready to move on. It will re manifest itself in some other form and yet carry the same the lesson or maybe you have progressed but still you got some more to go. Time passes.. all the while.. you look behind you and see your box grow further away and notice the tattered edges and torn corners and wonder if this is worth keeping... Do we hold on or let go? I found that through all the challenges one resolve I made though hard was that no matter what my best friend and I giggled about in English class in the details of our family plans some many years ago.. I would never just get married or have a family because it was that "time". My 38th birthday... has come and gone and here I am careful to look at my glass the right way.. half empty or half full... simply one year older at 38 or 2 years away from 40.. which would you pick? ( I have to chuckle at that one) yet this is reality of the struggle. Still we must be open to growth, be open to wisdom and that there is deep down inside a place where the lessons all converge to this one point. This one point in which you wake up and realize last night you slept alone and enjoyed stretching out in the fullness of your bed, walked in your home and cooked for one or ate nothing at all, went out every night of the week and no clock kept track. You realize that your smiles are from the simple pleasures you took for granted, the laughter from the inside jokes with friends and you get so lost in your own world that you realize the only company, the best company you have been keeping is YOU.
When you are satisfied with you..Then IF and WHEN that someone will come along..there will be no IOYOU.. But you will be paid in FULL.
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