Valentine's Day is coming up, and you've got less than a week to come up with the perfect present for the love of your life. What's it going to be? The usual flowers and candy? An original love sonnet? A trip to Greece? I don't know you and I'm no Dear Abby, so I can't tell you what the perfect present is -- but I can certainly tell you what it isn't. There are some things you just should not be gifting on Valentine's Day, no matter who you are or who your mate is. Yes, it's the thought that counts. But there are some Valentine's Day presents that definitely do not inspire thoughts of love, only "What were you thinking??". Here are five of them:
1) If you are going to present your woman with a small black box on Valentine's Day, it had better contain a diamond ring or some other form of jewelry. I guarantee, the last thing she expects to see nestled in those suede-lined folds is a condom. I don't care if it's a Luxury Condom (what's a luxury condom, anyway? Is it fur-lined?) made by French aristocrats in Condom, France. You can dress it up all you want, but in the end all she sees is "I want to get in your pants".
2) Valentine's Day is not the time to gift your loved one with anything that even remotely suggests she's anything short of amazing, just the way she is. Avoid any "you-think-I'm fat" fights and stay away from self-improvement products -- that means no gym memberships, treadmills, botox certificates, workout videos, bathroom scales or sugar-free/low fat chocolates. And, heaven forbid, no chocolate scales. Just think: instead of giving her real chocolates, you're giving her a photo of chocolates to drool over, *and* you've put the photo on a bathroom scale. Don't be surprised if she shoves the scale into your mouth and asks you how those chocolates taste.
3) Stuffed animals are the poster boys (or bears) for cutesy-bad Valentine's presents, but they're still some of the most popular Valentine's Day gifts ever. I personally don't think anyone over the age of 16 should be giving plush creatures for Valentine's Day, but I'm not going to ridicule those that do.
I do, however, draw the line at stuffed STDs.
I have to admit, they're kind of cute. And they're kind of funny. But they're a nervous, creepy, what-are-you-telling-me kind of funny. Is this a subtle way of suggesting your partner might want to get tested because you've slept around a wee bit too much?
Parents, here's a special reason to avoid this product:
Hi, sweetie. What's that cute little stuffed toy you're playing with?
It's The Clap! Daddy gave it to mommy!
4) What is worse than receiving a Snuggie for Valentine's Day? Matching Snuggies for Valentine's Day (extra points if the Snuggies are red, pink, or printed with hearts). Yes, who needs lace teddies and garter belts to get in the mood when you're wearing a voluminous fleece blanket with sleeves?
Hang on, there's something even worse: a Snuggie For Two. With three sleeves, so your arms can touch when you hold hands. You can run a three-legged race in the cold. Or pretend to be a two-headed, three-armed freak. Whatever turns you on. Just make sure those vanilla-scented candles are nowhere near you when you make your move, or your hearts won't be the only thing you set on fire.
5) Nothing screams romance and passion like a hot water bottle cover. You might as well say you want to spend Valentine's Day watching reruns of The Golden Girls -- after you put on your Snuggie and soak your false teeth in a glass. There has to be a better way of telling your significant other that you think he or she is hot.
Lovers everyone, heed my advice! If you want to strum a guitar and sing Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are", I won't judge you. If you decide to stop by the drugstore to pick up a teddy bear and a balloon, I'll look the other way. But please, please do not even think of getting any of the items above, because they are sure to make your significant other see red. Don't say I didn't warn you......
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