So…you’re messaging now and contemplating your first meet and greets. You’re apprehensive yet excited. You’ve got choices! Or do you? And is it quantity or quality, commonalities or differences that you should be going for?
For me, after I was BMXed and feeling like I had been dropped on the head repeatedly by love, I made the completely concussed decision to just get out there and date. No men messaging me that I was actually interested in? No problem! I’d just cull through the ones that seemed the easiest to attempt to be interested in and I’d force myself out of the house. I mean, I could feel my heart atrophying just as well out on a first meet as at home with Adele. On repeat. Still. Right?
Yes, this is how I went through the next SIX MONTHS after BMX, dating out of my wheelhouse, sometimes so far I couldn’t even see the fucking boat anymore. Oh my Lord…
But here was my method of madness, both philosophically and physically formed: I wanted to do my best not set too many boundaries of what I found interesting/ attractive/ necessary to meet someone because that’s my usual inclination due to my shyness and homebody tendencies. I wanted to be all free and open and la di dah as possible just to TRY and see what happened. AND I thought if I just practiced dating enough, I would get better therefore THE DATES would get better. But the choice of men stayed less than choice so yeah no. Like I said - concussed. Completely. Hello!
Also, since I did not message way back in those early, dark days I was limited with who messaged me. Let’s put it this way: I am still constantly astounded by how large a discrepancy there is between the men who find me attractive and the men I find attractive. I’m not even talking about being different types of fish, I’m saying fish and fucking fowl, you know?
Now, MUCH later, I’ve swung pretty much 180 the other way. I’ve met and dated more than a few guys, none of whom were “my type” yet all of whom I’m very glad I connected with, even BMX; all of them were within spitting distance of my wheelhouse or my wheelhouse just got bigger to accommodate them. And I don’t regret a single one. Even BMX.
However, on the “just get out there and date” front? Sooo been there and done that. I now feel that my time alone or with my roommate Nozomu, watching Homeland and drinking our house red, is precious to me and a random meet with anyone I don’t have some genuine excitement or interest in is just a waste. I don’t need to prove to myself that I can do it anymore. When dating becomes a chore, not an adventure, it’s time to think about re-evaluating the baseline requirements is all I’m saying.
So! Here’s the answer to why you SHOULDdate out of your wheelhouse: because too stringent a list of your “perfect man” will make you lose out on the guys that may have what it takes to make you happy, though they look or think or feel differently than you might expect/ are used to. Remember, you’re a different person now as well. Try to stay as open as possible without completely abandoning your standards. It might pleasantly surprise you.
Once you give some or many a chance and it becomes a disheartening grind of “well, it might be a pleasant surprise…” and it’s NOT, you can pull it waayyy back, sister and just become uber selective in who you reply to/ message/ meet. This may result in weeks and weeks of no dates or even messages you like. This may engender feelings of insecurity and boredom which in turn causes you to fall off the wagon and have a ho hum pig’s bum date and then you’re back on. BAM. Yeah. Me. So busted. Again I say “do as I SAY…!”
I guess what I’m advocating is not so much date your type when you’re over dating everything else under the sun but look for that common denominator of really wanting to meet them because there's a genuine spark of interest / you feel some kind of connection that you’d like to see go 3D. Date anyone and everyone who makes you actually WANT to leave the house - I mean WHEELhouse - type irrelevant. How’s that for egalitarian advice?
Wheelhouse: yes or no? For me it was no then yes. For you, who knows? Just keep in mind this equation: distance from wheelhouse should equal adventure and excitement. Otherwise it’s: home with wine and show is greater than random, obligatory date. Do the math first… I’m just saying.
Do you date in wheelhouse or out of it? Please share your comfort zone or lack of here at Lucy’s think tank of love. Ha!
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